The ugly, green monster called Jealousy is rising from the depths of my emotions yet again today.

I am meeting the "girls" for dinner tonight. The four of us get together every few months (see earlier post). I say the "girls" and not "friends" because really only one of them - Barb - is a friend. The other two - Kris and Lisa - are just people that Barb and I met in an exercise class at the local Y about 10 years ago. (see earlier post - again)

Anyway, Barb called me last night to tell me that she is taking a new class with Kris and to be prepared because she has lost a ton of weight and is now a "skinny bean". Well, not exactly a "skinny bean", but much thinner than she was when I last saw her in May.

Enter the ugly, green monster.

Well, I'm glad that Barb called me ahead of time to prepare me so I don't "wear my emotions on my sleeve" all night. I have a tendency to do that. I try not to, but I can't seem to stop it. I just never was one of those people who could smile and congratulate another person while silently seething and/or crying inside. I suck.

I really am happy for her weight loss. But, this is like the 4th time around for her and every…….time……. she……loses…….weight, she has to talk about it -- what she's doing, how she's doing it, what her husband thinks about it, what her father thinks about it, how she's going to keep it off this time -- yada, yada, yada. UGH!! I wish she talked about being fat as much as she talks about being skinny. She is going to monopolize the entire conversation for the evening and keep the topic on weight loss. I would really much rather talk about something else. I HATE talking about weight. Maybe I'll get a beer just to piss her off (she doesn't drink alcohol).

I really do not know why I put myself through this. I guess I do it to spend some time with Barb plus it only takes up about 90 minutes of my time every 3-4 months.

I will update tomorrow………………..

6 Things I Want To Do:
1. Own my own business
2. Travel across the USA in a RV
3. Travel across Europe
4. Inspire someone
5. Have a baby
6. Be comfortable in my own skin

6 Things I Can Do:
1. Inspire someone
2. Own my own business (if I try really, really hard)
3. Read a map
4. Give really good directions to places
5. Be comfortable in my own skin (when I let myself!)
6. Bake awesome Christmas cookies

6 Things I Can’t Do:
1. Throw a ball more than a foot
2. Play sports of any kind
3. See anything more than 2 inches from my face without my glasses on or contacts in
4. Drive a stick shift
5. Say the word "veterinary" without thinking about it before I say it
6. Watch sword or other knife-type fights in movies - just can not do it!

6 Things That Make Me Attractive To The Opposite Sex:
1. My listening skills
2. My dark brown eyes
3. My wackiness
4. My weirdness
5. I am low maintenance
6. My generosity

6 Things I Say All The Time:
1. "Whatever"
2. "I don't care"
3. "C'mon Vern" (I only really say this to my hubby and he hates it!)
4. "This place sucks!" (about work, of course)
5. "Hey Kids!" (to my 3 cats when I get home from work)
6. "Hon!!" (also to my hubby when I want to get his attention)

6 Celebrity Crushes:
1. Colin Firth
2. Rob Lowe
3. David Boerneaz
4. Johnny Depp
5. Jon Bon Jovi
6. Jennifer Aniston (I know, I know -- it's not really a crush. I just really think that she seems like a really cool person to know.)

6 Strangers That I've Tagged:
Ok, everyone I read has already been tagged. So, if you are new and comment, then consider yourself tagged!

Today is my 38th birthday. For 38 years I have been on this planet. Number of years left on said planet - unknown. I am not the type of person that begins announcing the number of shopping days left until my birthday. Believe me, I know a few of this type. I usually keep it on the down-low and hope that maybe I'll get a "surprise" birthday wish from someone I never thought in a million years would remember that it is my birthday. Hence, this day always makes me feel a variety of emotions - hopeful, appreciative, embarrassed, lonely and depressed.

The purpose of this blog was to document my thought processes while trying to make sense out of my life paths. While most of it has been related to my weight loss efforts, I have been making other minor "breakthroughs" in other areas:

1. Career: this avenue has not improved much in recent months. In fact, it has become worse. I just do not care about the work anymore. I was always the employee that tried to learn everything that I could in order to be the best that I could be on the job. I would work through issues and/or problems and then try to pass along any insight I may have to other parties. But, the bottom line is, quite simply, I do not care anymore. I go to work, I try to get through the day with minimal incident and then come home.

I came upon an blurb in my local newspaper about a certificate program at the local community college (the same one where I completed my degree) titled "Starting a Successful Woman-Owned Business" and the details of an open house about the program. I clipped the blurb and put it aside. The next day, my partner was off so that meant I would be starting my workday at 6:30am (by getting up at 4:15am) and would have to stay until, if all went well, 5:00pm. Well, all did not go well. Problems ensued and I didn't get to leave until 7:05pm (arrival at home at 8:30pm since I commute by train). My reaction -- instead of getting frustrated and pissy, I registered for the open house. It was free - what did I have to lose.

The open house was last week. It is a 2-part program. Part one is 4 weeks long and part 2 is 8 weeks long. I must complete part 1 to the satisfaction of the instructor in order to advance to part 2. I signed up that night. It is time. I need to know if my entrepeneurial idea will work in the real world. This is the only way to find out. It was like an opportunity smacked me in the face and I had to react to it.

2. Family: Not too much new on this front. Chris and I worked through a bunch of issues that I had to get off my chest. Issues that I thought would break us, but only made us more resolved to be dedicated to each other. This breakthrough has made me more aware of my actual desire to start a family. While one child will probably be all that we can have, who knows - maybe there will be two.

3. Weight: 19 weeks - down 22 lbs. I wish it was more, but only I can make that happen. I have a 1000 excuses but none of them are valid. But, this has all been well documented right here in recent months. I won't bore you with reiteration.

So, as I embark on my 39th year on this planet, in this great country called the U.S. of A., I'd like to jot down a few things that I'd like to see change with me. There are the obvious wishes: more money and more time, but these things seem more attainable to me:

To be a better person to myself
To be a better wife
To be a better daughter & sister
To be a better friend
To possibly become a mother
To be a better citizen
To lose many more pounds of weight
To exercise more
To be more assertive
To be more positive
To be more ambitious
To be more forgiving - of others and of myself
To read more
To watch tv less
To organize more
To procrastinate less
To live life instead of trudging through it

Happy Birthday to Me!! I took off from work, Chris got home early (with balloons!) and we spent the afternoon together, my Mom called me and I got more than a few birthday emails and cards. I had a nice dinner (non-NS, of course!) and then went out for dairy farm birthday ice cream.

It was a good day.