It is almost 3 months since I last posted on this blog. So much as changed in the past 3 months, that I no longer feel that this blog is an accurate reflection of me - now.

Stay tuned...........

Today, my husband told me that he wants a divorce. No discussion. No trying to work on it. Nothing. His mind is made up and there is no changing it. I'm not going to beg.

I want to give our relationship a chance. I want to be a different person. Not because he wants me to be different, but because I want to be different. I know that things have been hard in recent years, but my thoughts were how to approach him about meeting with a marriage counselor. We are the worst communicators..................ever.

He decided after 2-3 therapy sessions that he KNOWS that I will not change and is unwilling to even try to work through our differences.

I wish that I could see the future as clearly as he does.

I made it to the gym for two 30-minute treadmill workouts this past week. These were in addition to my regular 60-minute personal training workout which, incidentally, has been my only source of exercise for the past 6 months.

Is this progress? I hope so.

Chris and I had an intense "discussion" this past week. He made some valid points about me and how I live my life. One of particular note that really stuck with me is the fact that I have never followed through on anything that I have said that I was going to do - lose weight, start a business, write. Hell, I have never even finished one cross-stitch project that was just for me and that is supposed to be a hobby that I enjoy!

I make excuses. I say that I am a product of my environment meaning that I am who I am because of the household in which I was raised. It is just so much easier to blame others (parents, friends, family, Chris) instead of looking inside myself.

I went to see a comedy show with some friends, Kim and Barb, on Saturday night. We went to the Keswick Theater. The Keswick is one of those old-time art houses that have been around since the times when people, in general, were smaller - height as well as girth. I made a comment about how I was having some trouble fitting in the seat. The width was a bit snug, but not unbearable, however, the leg room was, for lack of a better word, painful. Sitting for 3 hours with my legs at a 90-degree angle with no other option is just not my idea of fun, but I digress. Kim asked me if I was still "doing that" meaning going to the gym. I told her that I was working on getting back into it because I realized that I am just plain tired of complaining about my weight and that I am the only one that can do it - nobody can do it for me.

Then, I smiled inside. Progress?

Yeah, I think so.

Today is my birthday. How did I get here? 41 years old, 80+ lbs overweight, working at a job for over 19 years and feel like I wasted my life working there, 10+ years in a marriage that I am not so sure that I want to be in anymore.......

I know that I have a hell of alot to be thankful for:

• Despite the weight issue, my overall health is good - no diseases, no medications required.
• I have a job and it pays fairly well which allows me to pay my bills on time, keep a roof over my head and gas in my car - without worry.
• After a bit of a rough year last year, my parents are in good overall health.
• Berzerk, Charlie and Lucy (my cats)

With everything that is going on in this country and all over the world, I feel uncomfortable when I express any kind of dissatisfaction with my life. Others have so much less than I do. BUT, does that make me undeserving of something MORE in my life? Therein lies the rub.

What do I want to change? Oh, lots of things. I have been talking about changing my career/job as well as the weight situation for years now. Why can't I do it? Why do I make so many excuses? What am I afraid of? What do I need to happen first? Who knows?

My marriage. Hmm, that's a whole other ball game. There are so many good things about it, but yet there are so many things about it that just make me plain unhappy. Maybe it is all me, but the last time that I checked there are 2 people that make a relationship whether it is between family members, friends, lovers, co-workers, etc. Things have occurred in the past that have diminished the trust in this relationship - at least for me. Things that continue to occur (as recently as earlier this summer). I probably do not make things any easier with my lack of weight loss and constant depressive mood. He makes me feel like a nag and a bore. Maybe I am a nag and a bore. But why? There is so much more to this, but I just cannot put it into words at this time. It is too painful. It makes me feel like a failure.

So, here I am again. Somehow I feel like I am in a repeat performance of the past 5 years. Lather, rinse, repeat.

How did I get here?

Today, on my drive to the post office, I see an Audi with the following "vanity" license plate:

NO XLCHX

WTF??

Then, some idiot practically runs me over in the post office lobby - I get to the parking lot and realize that it is the SAME TOOL with the "vanity" plate. I wanted to broadside his stupid-ass Audi. I could've even slightly bent a little if he was at least good-looking. NOT! Dumbass.

I get it. I'm fat and not worth your time or acknowledgement. But what the hell, must you broadcast your TOOLNESS to the world???