I know that I have a hell of alot to be thankful for:
- Despite the weight issue, my overall health is good - no diseases, no medications required.
- I have a job and it pays fairly well which allows me to pay my bills on time, keep a roof over my head and gas in my car - without worry.
- After a bit of a rough year last year, my parents are in good overall health.
- Berzerk, Charlie and Lucy (my cats)
With everything that is going on in this country and all over the world, I feel uncomfortable when I express any kind of dissatisfaction with my life. Others have so much less than I do. BUT, does that make me undeserving of something MORE in my life? Therein lies the rub.
What do I want to change? Oh, lots of things. I have been talking about changing my career/job as well as the weight situation for years now. Why can't I do it? Why do I make so many excuses? What am I afraid of? What do I need to happen first? Who knows?
My marriage. Hmm, that's a whole other ball game. There are so many good things about it, but yet there are so many things about it that just make me plain unhappy. Maybe it is all me, but the last time that I checked there are 2 people that make a relationship whether it is between family members, friends, lovers, co-workers, etc. Things have occurred in the past that have diminished the trust in this relationship - at least for me. Things that continue to occur (as recently as earlier this summer). I probably do not make things any easier with my lack of weight loss and constant depressive mood. He makes me feel like a nag and a bore. Maybe I am a nag and a bore. But why? There is so much more to this, but I just cannot put it into words at this time. It is too painful. It makes me feel like a failure.
So, here I am again. Somehow I feel like I am in a repeat performance of the past 5 years. Lather, rinse, repeat.
How did I get here?
