There are three main areas of my life that need to change:
My Health
I am fat. There is no better way to say it. I could try pleasantly plump, large-sized, plus-sized, slightly overweight, big-boned, etc. Bottom line: I am fat. I have been fat most of my adult life. I am an emotional eater. Stressed - I eat. Happy - let's go out to eat! Sad - I need some junk food to eat. Angry - what can I eat? I only came to the realization that emotions guide my eating in recent years. In the past, I just ate because I liked food. Period. My smallest size ever was size 7 in my junior year of high school. My largest size ever is size 20 which is now. While I could squeeze all 238 lbs of me into a size 18, that was only because I stretched them out to a size 20 with my fat. My first battle with stress was when I was planning for my wedding. Most girls lose weight - of course, I was the opposite. Then, marriage. The first year sucked and the pounds packed on. The rest is a roller coaster of ups and downs with the scale until May 2005 when I finally put on the brakes. I felt like crap. My clothes were too tight. My panties were pinching my inner thighs. My breasts were getting lumpy and ached all the time. Cramps were unbearable every month. I was falling apart in front of my own eyes and didn't see it. Well, I've finally seen it and I don't like it!
Time to diet.............
Weight Watchers - hate it! Count points, cheat on points, have a stranger weigh you then criticize your for only losing 1/4 pound and then demand to see your food diary to see where you went wrong. Not happening for me.
LA Weight Loss - ok until you plateau. I actually liked this program. They guaranteed that I would lose 75 lbs in 7 months. Pay up front, then buy supplemental bars every week. Weigh in 3x a week. Unfortunately the guarantee only is valid if you come into the center 3x a week. Who's got that kind of time? Lost 4 lbs the first 4 days. Ok, this will work - not. Plateaued at a 28 lb loss. Guess what the "counselor" says to me - I don't know what else to tell you - you must be doing something wrong. So I just stopped going. A year later someone from the center calls me to ask me how my maintenance was going. Idiots. I never called them back (even though I really wanted to give them shit for their crappy counselors).
On my own - ok as long as you live with someone who also wants to lose weight. This is self-explanatory.
NutriSystem - this is the first pre-packaged food program that I've ever tried. I love it! (see link at right) Portion-control is key and overeating is my biggest problem esp when I'm emotional. This plan has taught me the right-sized meals to eat as well as when & what to eat to be healthy. It has taught me to stop and listen to what is really going on in my mind and body before opening my mouth. All in all, a positive experience. Down 14 lbs in 5 weeks. Not bad considering it took me 3 months to lose 10 lbs on WW.
My Life's Work
My job sucks. Yes, I know that everyone feels that way and that I'm probably not unique, but I had to say it anyway. Ok, I make a decent wage and, for the most part, I'm good at what I do. But therein lies my problem. Being good at what you do apparently is license for others to take advantage of you. And, yes I know that that is also my fault. But, unfortunately, I am one of those people in the grand scheme of things that nothing ever seems to change no matter what I say or do to try. I speak my mind - get the acknowledging nod and then the speech about how I am right, "but there's really nothing I can do about it right now. We are in a transitional period. Can you wait until the dust settles?" Whatever. I need to move on. After 16+ years of being the "clean-up crew" for all the other idiots that never bother, I'm done. The satisfaction of a job well done has disappeared and my creativity and enthusiasm has disappeared right along with it.
My plan is simple. Do something creative and inspiring. What is my favorite hobby that I never seem to have time or motivation to do anymore? Needlework. The thrill of picking a pattern, selecting fabric and threads and watching the pattern come to life with my own hands is beyond description. And I want to share it with others. I want to provide the tools for inspiration. I want to do this in the form of a small needlework supply shop (see link at right). I've been in the process of making this venture a reality for almost 3 years, but there always seems to be something inside of me stopping me. I am at the edge but for some reason do not have the courage to take the final steps. Fear, I guess. Fear of what? Failure? Security? Self-respect? Respect of others? I'll let you know when I know.
Children or No Children?
I am 37 years old. I will be 38 on September 2nd. My husband is 42 years old. We have been married for 7 years. This is my first marriage. This is his second. He has a 21 year old daughter and a 5 month old grand-daughter. Unfortunately, life decisions have caused a divide between him and his daughter and they no longer speak. He has never seen his grand-daughter other than a few photos of her on the day she was born sent via other family members. It bothers me that they do not speak. According to her, it is because of me or rather because her father re-married. She was 14 when we were married. I thought old enough to know that I was not replacing her father's affections. Apparently I was wrong - and did not know this until last year. I never had a clue. She was a very good actress.
My parents desperately want a grandchild. I don't blame them. My father is 65 years old and my mother is 63 years old. They are both retired and live in a 55+ community where the main topic of discussion is grandchildren. I'm sure that they thought they would be grandparents by now. They didn't know that their oldest wouldn't get married until she was 30. And, they didn't know that their youngest would be on the verge of divorce during the first 5 years of his marriage. Life throws curveballs.
When I was in my 20's and single, I decided that I didn't want to have a child. I was scared and felt that I wouldn't be able to handle it. Then I met my husband and I still felt that I didn't want a child. I told him that I wanted to wait until at least our 5th anniversary before discussing the possibility. Since he already had a daughter, he was in no rush. Well, now it is 7 years later and now I'm "on the fence" about it. He's all for it and constantly tell me that "it's all you" that's holding back the decision.
My age scares me. His age scares me. We will be in our late 50's early 60's when he/she turns 20 years old. Childbirth scares me. I hate pain. I hate the idea of a needle penetrating my spine to aleviate the pain. I hate the idea of a 8-9 lb object ejecting from a 1-inch hole in my body. I hate that they might have to cut me. I hate that I will get fat again.
But, I love that I would have a part of me on this planet. I love that a piece of me would live on after I am gone. I love that I would be an ancestor to someone in the future. I love babies.
I am at a crossroads. Life paths need to be chosen. You asked. Well maybe you didn't, but I told you anyway.
I am 41-years-old.
Freedom. Which way do I go??
Freedom. Which way do I go??
From: Hatfield, PA, United States
About me: Brit TV & Film Enthusiast, TV/Film/Book Addict, Chief Cook & Bottle Washer, Feline Tamer, Savvy Bookkeeper, Certified Reflexologist, Reiki Master, Blackberry User & Computer Semi-Geek
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
posted by Sue at 4:55 PM
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4 Comments:
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Post a CommentWow! Talk about some insight into your life. Taking your points one at a time:
Health - This has to come first. I always put my health on the back burner and am taking care of it now before it is too late. While I can't relate to everything you wrote, I certainly can to most. The thing I like about NS is that I don't have to think to hard to stay on course. So far, so good for both of us.
Work - This ties into the next subject. If you are going to take a risk with your career, now would be the time to do it. It is so hard to take risks when you have children to think about. If you have the ability to take the risk, you may want to jump at it now. I am not one of those that believes you need to enjoy your work. If you do, great, all the better. But, if not, then your job should at least be a means to an end, meaning that your job should provide you the financial ability to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
Children - All I can say is that being a parent is the scariest, most wonderful, most difficult, most rewarding, most maddening, most spectacular part of my life. Not having endured childbirth, but holding my wife's hand through two (without an epidural), both of which required being cut, all I can say is that she wants to have a third soon. So, it must not be bad enough to dissuade her. I should add that she had kidney stones a few years ago and she said that passing a stone made childbirth seem like a walk in the park.
Thanks for this glimpse into your life. I know you enjoy reading about my progress and I have the feeling I am going to enjoy reading about yours too.
At 7:19 PM, 
AsharEdith
Sue,
Thanks for letting us into your life. Your health story is pretty similar to mine.
About babies... Sometimes I think I'm crazy for loosing weight to then have a baby. Loosing weight to get fat again. LOL I afraid of pain too. If I don't get over it in one year I might adopt a baby.
I added you to my Nutri Friends Link List... & I'll be following your story...
*Ü*
Edith
At 6:51 PM, 