I absolutely HATE when I feel jealous of other people. It is a big weakness for me. I know that I should be happy for others when things are going their way, but sometimes I just can't hide my disappointment in myself for not accomplishing the same goals.

A friend of mine, Kris, called me last night. I call her a friend although we rarely talk on the phone. We exchange emails occasionally and get together with two other girls once every 3 months for dinner. Ironically, the 4 of us met at an aerobics class at the local Y back in the mid-90's. We would go out for a "treat" at the end of every 12-week session. Kris was the instructor of the class. The rest of us were participants. As each session passed, we would get to know each other a little bit better. Well, Kris started having babies so she stopped teaching the class and the rest of us just stopped going. We've all moved in separate directions, but we still manage to get together every 3-4 months for a dinner out. Anyway, enough background.

Kris called me last night to ask me a question and we got to chatting about other things. Now, mind you, we've all gained a bit of weight since the Y days, but Kris gained the most esp since she had 4 babies in the past 8 years. Back between her 1st & 2nd kids, she went on Atkins and lost a bunch of weight. Now, of course she was proud of it and showed it, but hey I would be too. But I was jealous. Then, she got pregnant again and gained all the weight plus more and, I hate to say it, I was relieved. More so because I wouldn't have to hear about Atkins anymore. So, every time we were so supposed to get together, I dreaded it because I wasn't sure if she was doing some kind of diet and lost a bunch of weight and here I am gaining & gaining. But she wasn't losing any weight and apparently wasn't even trying. She just didn't feel like trying. The last time we got together (June) she announced that she was yet again dieting, was going to Weight Watchers, had been on the plan for 7 weeks and had lost 29 lbs so far. I wanted to cry. At that point, I had been NS for about 6 weeks and had only lost 15 lbs. I didn't say anything about what I was doing because I don't want to talk about it - I just want to wait until people start noticing. So the remainder of the meal, all she talked about was WW and points and how easy it is, blah, blah, blah. AND, she wasn't even exercising that much!!

Anyway, as we were chatting last night, I avoided the subject of weight all together because I really did not want to hear about how much more she lost esp since I've been plateauing for about 3 weeks now. Doesn't she bring it up anyway?! Indirectly, of couse, but the subject arose anyway. Now, she's lost 46 lbs in 3 months!! I've lost 20.5 lbs in 3 months. Since the main point of the conversation was about a health scare she had recently that she thinks was brought on by the "sudden weight loss" she's had, I didn't really have to comment on the weight loss part of the story. I wished her luck on the health procedure and hoped that the call would end soon. Thankfully it did.

I was sooooooo ANGRY with myself when I got off of the phone with her. She did nothing wrong and yet I wanted to hate her. All she did was lose more than twice as much weight as me in the same time frame. Then I was mopey and sat my large ass on the sofa all night and watched TV and ate crap - a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and some pretzels - and then went to bed. I got up and weighed myself this morning and gained a pound. I'm such a stupid bitch!

I know what needs to be done. So why don't I JUST DO IT!?