To use a variation of a quote by Roy Scheider (as Brody in Jaws): I'm gonna need bigger pants.

And, yet, I refuse to purchase them. If I do, I give in to myself. I'm not giving in.

I'm not giving up.

I am going to win.

PS - Love me some Roy Scheider, may he rest in peace.

I just spent the past 3 days thinking about my future. Well, I basically think about my future all the time. I'm guessing this is because there are so many things about my present that I want to change. Some of you that have been reading my blog since its inception know that I talk a good game -- lose weight, change jobs, etc. -- but when it comes down to playing the game, I stumble and fall, or more accurately, I never even put myself IN the game. I know this & I hate this. I must change this. Why? Because it needs to be done.

I picked this phrase as the title of this post because it was pointed out to me recently that I say this particular phrase all the time. One incident that is re-hashed all the time is one certain New Years Eve (not sure of the year) when 2 of my best friends and I spent the evening in our apartment getting hammered, playing the game "Pass-Out" (which I incidentally won, but I digress). I have always looked forward to the "countdown" on NYE for some weird reason which, I'm guessing only a psychotherapist can figure out, but on this NYE, I fell asleep about 5 minutes before midnight, and woke up 5 minutes after midnight - therein, missing the countdown and the "ringing in of the new year". And, I cried. Bawled, actually. Then, I started doing laundry (mind you I was wasted). Weird, I know. When asked why I was doing the laundry, I simply stated "because it needs to be done". So, this past NYE my friend and I were re-telling this story for the bazillionth time, and Chris says "yeah, you say that alot". And, I got to thinking. Yeah, I do.

Trouble is that there is always something that NEEDS to be done - laundry, cleaning the toilets, grocery shopping, cleaning the litter box, etc. And, while these things are necessary, they are not what life is all about. Yeah, they need to be done, but are doing these things at the expense of living life worth it. I'm thinking no. I NEED to stop hiding behind everyday drudgery, and move my life in to the forefront. I need to get healthy. I need to make a career change. I need to chose my own path of spirituality. I need to break free from pleasing others at the expense of living my life. I am not dependent on any one person. I should be only dependent upon myself.

My list of ambitious goals for 2008:

Get healthy - lose the extra weight once and for all, and maintain it.

Change careers - quit my god-be-damned job, which I loathe with every fiber of my being, and start the retail business that I've been talking about for the past 5 years.

Make peace with myself & my decisions regarding life, love, children, career, friends - accept that I am who I am & that it is all good.

Speak my mind without reservation - believe that what I have say is a worthwhile contribution.

Explore new paths of spirituality. I was born and raised a Catholic, but am now not so sure that I want to follow this particular organized religion. I am not so sure that I want to follow any type of denominational church. I know that I do want to be a part of a religion-based community, just one that doesn't try to dominate my entire thought processes.

It is time to begin thinking for myself; to stop following the beliefs of others - parents, siblings, friends, etc. - and form my own belief system. Believe in myself, take risks for the betterment of my life.

Just live, because I need to.