I am totally sick of being "on program". I hate, hate, hate this so-called love affair that I have with my scale. I call it a love affair because I keep getting screwed every week when I step on the g-damn thing. It f**ks with me every time. Gain - no change - lose weight that was gained - no change - gain - no change - lose weight that was gained, ETC, ETC, ETC!
So, today I threw it all away (don't worry, not my NS food). I threw away all common sense and I got it out of my system. Chris and I went to the movies this afternoon with another couple (saw The 40-year-old Virgin - highly recommend - laughed my ass off (does that count as exercise?)) and ate a movie-sized package of M&M's with a regular Coke. Then, we went out to dinner at LongHorn Steakhouse - ate the Renegade (seemed appropriate) - an 8 oz. top sirloin with a sweet potato (covered in butter/cinnamon) along with a few bites of Texas Cheese Fries and a tomato & onion salad (included bleu cheese crumbles (which I ate) and balsamic vinigarette dressing (which I did not eat)) and washed it all down with an unsweetened iced tea. Then, we came home, watched Big Brother and then went to the local dairy farm for fresh ice cream - one scoop of rum raisin in a cup, if you please - thank you very much.
The scary part is that I do not feel one bit sick physically from all the high-calorie, sugar-laden foods. I think if I felt just a wee bit ill then I wouldn't be so tempted to repeat my day. If anything, I feel better - my all week headache is gone and feel no pressure to watch my weight. I know that this is not good to say the least.
My evil nemeses Discouragement & Disappointment are slowing rearing their ugly monster faces into my focus and I am having an extremely difficult time - once again - fighting them back.
4 months - 22 lbs
I should be at least at the 30 lb mark by now. What is my g-damn problem? Is it the stress of my job? Is it the stress of my marriage? Is it the stress of my family? Is it the high expectations that I place upon myself that I feel I'm not living up to? Is it because my birthday is in 2 weeks and I'm another year older and still fat?
Anyway, I did what I did today with no regrets. I do not like to say that "I was bad" today because I feel that it just places negatives on my actions. I may not have been wise, but I was not bad. Bad is stealing or cheating on your spouse or intentionally hurting someone. Unwise is eating not-so-good-for-you food.
I may be wrong to rationalize it this way, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
I am 41-years-old.
Freedom. Which way do I go??
Freedom. Which way do I go??
From: Hatfield, PA, United States
About me: Brit TV & Film Enthusiast, TV/Film/Book Addict, Chief Cook & Bottle Washer, Feline Tamer, Savvy Bookkeeper, Certified Reflexologist, Reiki Master, Blackberry User & Computer Semi-Geek
Saturday, August 20, 2005
posted by Sue at 11:05 PM
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5 Comments:
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Sue - There is a reason why we often hear that losing weight is the hardest thing someone can do. I believe its true. I have succeeded in every single thing in my life that I have set out to do, except this. And, like you, I am in a dogfight with this.
Those that have not had to deal with weight problems seem to think that its a matter of just changing what is put in your mouth and moving your ass. But it is so much more than that. The feeling of depravation when you cannot have what you really want can just eat at you. And sometimes the only way to make it go away is to satisfy it.
I guess what I am trying to say is that this process of losing weight is full of discouragement and disappointment. But sometimes you need to look each of them in the eye and stare them down. But like I said before. Easier said than done.
Please keep in mind that you are still down 22 pounds. That is a great start and I hope you are able to see that. But more than that. I hope you find the strength within you to fight through these feelings and ultimately succeed.
Hi Sue - you are not alone! Just yesterday I had a great day on plan but the evening was a different story. DH works late on Mondays so I started off with my NS meal, then I got distracted by the computer and all of a sudden it was 7:00PM. Kids start yelling that they were hungry (duh!) and I start rushing around to get their dinner. I didn't have my veggies or salad with my dinner, so I was tempted to join them. Well, after a bite of chicken nugget here and a bowl of white rice with butter and salt there... I decided to wash it down with a Bud Light - go figure! Where the hell did that come from?? For no reason - just rushing around and a slight hunger pain in my tummy can totally screw up a good day.
Just to punish myself I jumped on the scale this morning and I was UP 4 pounds!!! OH MY GOD! I will not beat myself up about it, just trying to learn from it and will try not to do it again next Monday.
You are not alone!