Crossroads

Epilogue

2010-06-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

This blog & the life it represented is now closed.

If you'd like to see what I'm up to now, visit my new blog - Party of One

Overhaul

2010-06-13T20:59:00.000-07:00

This blog is getting an overhaul. Actually, it is getting a new name, new look & new attitude. Will post the new link when it is ready.........should be very, very soon.

Closed for Remodeling

2009-01-28T14:14:00.000-08:00

It is almost 3 months since I last posted on this blog. So much as changed in the past 3 months, that I no longer feel that this blog is an accurate reflection of me - now.

Stay tuned...........

Is It Possible to Be So Numb?

2008-11-01T19:01:00.000-07:00

Today, my husband told me that he wants a divorce. No discussion. No trying to work on it. Nothing. His mind is made up and there is no changing it. I'm not going to beg.

I want to give our relationship a chance. I want to be a different person. Not because he wants me to be different, but because I want to be different. I know that things have been hard in recent years, but my thoughts were how to approach him about meeting with a marriage counselor. We are the worst communicators..................ever.

He decided after 2-3 therapy sessions that he KNOWS that I will not change and is unwilling to even try to work through our differences.

I wish that I could see the future as clearly as he does.

Progress?

2008-09-21T19:22:00.000-07:00

I made it to the gym for two 30-minute treadmill workouts this past week. These were in addition to my regular 60-minute personal training workout which, incidentally, has been my only source of exercise for the past 6 months.

Is this progress? I hope so.

Chris and I had an intense "discussion" this past week. He made some valid points about me and how I live my life. One of particular note that really stuck with me is the fact that I have never followed through on anything that I have said that I was going to do - lose weight, start a business, write. Hell, I have never even finished one cross-stitch project that was just for me and that is supposed to be a hobby that I enjoy!

I make excuses. I say that I am a product of my environment meaning that I am who I am because of the household in which I was raised. It is just so much easier to blame others (parents, friends, family, Chris) instead of looking inside myself.

I went to see a comedy show with some friends, Kim and Barb, on Saturday night. We went to the Keswick Theater. The Keswick is one of those old-time art houses that have been around since the times when people, in general, were smaller - height as well as girth. I made a comment about how I was having some trouble fitting in the seat. The width was a bit snug, but not unbearable, however, the leg room was, for lack of a better word, painful. Sitting for 3 hours with my legs at a 90-degree angle with no other option is just not my idea of fun, but I digress. Kim asked me if I was still "doing that" meaning going to the gym. I told her that I was working on getting back into it because I realized that I am just plain tired of complaining about my weight and that I am the only one that can do it - nobody can do it for me.

Then, I smiled inside. Progress?

Yeah, I think so.

How Did I Get Here?

2008-09-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday. How did I get here? 41 years old, 80+ lbs overweight, working at a job for over 19 years and feel like I wasted my life working there, 10+ years in a marriage that I am not so sure that I want to be in anymore.......

I know that I have a hell of alot to be thankful for:

Despite the weight issue, my overall health is good - no diseases, no medications required.
I have a job and it pays fairly well which allows me to pay my bills on time, keep a roof over my head and gas in my car - without worry.
After a bit of a rough year last year, my parents are in good overall health.
Berzerk, Charlie and Lucy (my cats)

With everything that is going on in this country and all over the world, I feel uncomfortable when I express any kind of dissatisfaction with my life. Others have so much less than I do. BUT, does that make me undeserving of something MORE in my life? Therein lies the rub.

What do I want to change? Oh, lots of things. I have been talking about changing my career/job as well as the weight situation for years now. Why can't I do it? Why do I make so many excuses? What am I afraid of? What do I need to happen first? Who knows?

My marriage. Hmm, that's a whole other ball game. There are so many good things about it, but yet there are so many things about it that just make me plain unhappy. Maybe it is all me, but the last time that I checked there are 2 people that make a relationship whether it is between family members, friends, lovers, co-workers, etc. Things have occurred in the past that have diminished the trust in this relationship - at least for me. Things that continue to occur (as recently as earlier this summer). I probably do not make things any easier with my lack of weight loss and constant depressive mood. He makes me feel like a nag and a bore. Maybe I am a nag and a bore. But why? There is so much more to this, but I just cannot put it into words at this time. It is too painful. It makes me feel like a failure.

So, here I am again. Somehow I feel like I am in a repeat performance of the past 5 years. Lather, rinse, repeat.

How did I get here?

Vanity? I Think Not.

2008-08-23T17:49:00.001-07:00

Today, on my drive to the post office, I see an Audi with the following "vanity" license plate:

NO XLCHX

WTF??

Then, some idiot practically runs me over in the post office lobby - I get to the parking lot and realize that it is the SAME TOOL with the "vanity" plate. I wanted to broadside his stupid-ass Audi. I could've even slightly bent a little if he was at least good-looking. NOT! Dumbass.

I get it. I'm fat and not worth your time or acknowledgement. But what the hell, must you broadcast your TOOLNESS to the world???

Poke, Poke

2008-06-14T13:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, I've been tagged by a fellow Blogger. More like poked in the arm (or back of the head) to wake me the hell up from this stupid depression that has had a hold on me for months now.........

So, here goes:

Where were you ten years ago? Ten years ago, I was a newlywed trying to figure out how to share bathroom and bedroom space with a MAN. This was all a new concept for me. (yeah, I was a late bloomer.) I was also finishing my degree by taking college courses at night plus working 40 hours a week. Honestly, I don't know how I did it.

Five items on your To-Do list today
1. Finish up some loose ends at work before my 3 days off later in the week.
2. Pack up 2 books that sold on Half.com and get them ready for mailing.
3. Continue to listen to the audio CD that I copied to my iPod.
4. Take a walk around the neighborhood no matter how late I get home from work (esp since tv is a bit of a bust right now).
5. Go to bed by 10:30 (this is iffy - I can't seem to get to bed on time lately.)

Snacks I Enjoy: Popcorn without butter (yes, really), pretzels (both soft & hard), dark chocolate M&M's, Baked Lays, frozen yogurt, ice cream from the farm (there are 2 dairy farms in my neck of the woods).

What would you do if you were a billionaire? First, I would take care of my parents & my brother. Travel extensively, buy real estate in Europe, write a book, start a business just for fun. Support the arts - theater, museums, etc. - through charitable donations or fundraising. The possibilities are endless.

Places I would live: UK (London), Italy (Venice or Florence), Southern California, anywhere where there is easy access to the beach and the ocean.

Bloggers I'm passing the challenge on to: anyone who feels like doing it! No pressure!

You're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

2008-02-16T14:03:00.001-08:00

To use a variation of a quote by Roy Scheider (as Brody in Jaws): I'm gonna need bigger pants.

And, yet, I refuse to purchase them. If I do, I give in to myself. I'm not giving in.

I'm not giving up.

I am going to win.

PS - Love me some Roy Scheider, may he rest in peace.

Because It Needs to be Done.....

2008-02-03T19:46:00.000-08:00

I just spent the past 3 days thinking about my future. Well, I basically think about my future all the time. I'm guessing this is because there are so many things about my present that I want to change. Some of you that have been reading my blog since its inception know that I talk a good game -- lose weight, change jobs, etc. -- but when it comes down to playing the game, I stumble and fall, or more accurately, I never even put myself IN the game. I know this & I hate this. I must change this. Why? Because it needs to be done.

I picked this phrase as the title of this post because it was pointed out to me recently that I say this particular phrase all the time. One incident that is re-hashed all the time is one certain New Years Eve (not sure of the year) when 2 of my best friends and I spent the evening in our apartment getting hammered, playing the game "Pass-Out" (which I incidentally won, but I digress). I have always looked forward to the "countdown" on NYE for some weird reason which, I'm guessing only a psychotherapist can figure out, but on this NYE, I fell asleep about 5 minutes before midnight, and woke up 5 minutes after midnight - therein, missing the countdown and the "ringing in of the new year". And, I cried. Bawled, actually. Then, I started doing laundry (mind you I was wasted). Weird, I know. When asked why I was doing the laundry, I simply stated "because it needs to be done". So, this past NYE my friend and I were re-telling this story for the bazillionth time, and Chris says "yeah, you say that alot". And, I got to thinking. Yeah, I do.

Trouble is that there is always something that NEEDS to be done - laundry, cleaning the toilets, grocery shopping, cleaning the litter box, etc. And, while these things are necessary, they are not what life is all about. Yeah, they need to be done, but are doing these things at the expense of living life worth it. I'm thinking no. I NEED to stop hiding behind everyday drudgery, and move my life in to the forefront. I need to get healthy. I need to make a career change. I need to chose my own path of spirituality. I need to break free from pleasing others at the expense of living my life. I am not dependent on any one person. I should be only dependent upon myself.

My list of ambitious goals for 2008:

Get healthy - lose the extra weight once and for all, and maintain it.

Change careers - quit my god-be-damned job, which I loathe with every fiber of my being, and start the retail business that I've been talking about for the past 5 years.

Make peace with myself & my decisions regarding life, love, children, career, friends - accept that I am who I am & that it is all good.

Speak my mind without reservation - believe that what I have say is a worthwhile contribution.

Explore new paths of spirituality. I was born and raised a Catholic, but am now not so sure that I want to follow this particular organized religion. I am not so sure that I want to follow any type of denominational church. I know that I do want to be a part of a religion-based community, just one that doesn't try to dominate my entire thought processes.

It is time to begin thinking for myself; to stop following the beliefs of others - parents, siblings, friends, etc. - and form my own belief system. Believe in myself, take risks for the betterment of my life.

Just live, because I need to.

Out With the Old........

2008-01-21T18:08:00.000-08:00

I am a wee bit late on the "it's a new year" post, but since it is still January, I feel that I am still within the time table for such reflection.

In my local paper, a syndicated columnist that I enjoy, Sharon Randall, published in the January 6th edition a column titled "Sometimes it helps to look back before you go forward". The question she posed was this: "What will you remember about 2007?" She wrote that some people keep journals, but she just makes notes on her yearly calendar to help jog her memory. She also has a list of 10 questions that she asks at the end of every year. I thought that these were great questions to help me to sum up my memories of 2007. Here are my answers:

1. What was the hardest thing you had to do last year? Watching my grandmother slowly deteriorate before my eyes, and her subsequent passing in January. It had been 22 years since I've had to deal with the death of a close relative. It was very strange to realize that someone who has always been there (whether I saw her or not) was now not there. My "grandparents'"house became my "grandfather's" house. Too weird for words. I miss her alot, and talk to her all the time.

2. What was the most fun? My vacation trip to Italy with Chris, Brett & Colleen. We had a blast learning a new language, navigating the European rail system, walking for miles and miles and eating tons of awesome food and wine. It was a trip of a lifetime!

3. What were the milestones? Turning 40 years old in September.

4. What was your biggest accomplishment? Reconnecting with my step-daughter, Crystal after 5 years of estrangement.

5. What's something you wanted to do, but didn't? Get to my goal weight by my 40th birthday. It was completely do-able, but I just didn't give it enough effort. So, I guess some would say that I didn't want it enough. They are probably right.

6. What was your biggest surprise? That we were able to even consider looking into buying vacation property at one of the beach resorts at the Jersey shore.

7. What was the meanest thing you did? I told my sister-in-law that I didn't like the Christmas present that she gave me - earrings for pierced ears. In my defense, I do not have pierced ears, nor do I wear jewelry of ANY kind other than a watch and my wedding rings. She's known me for over 10 years and she should know this by now. I've made polite comments about similar past gifts, and yet she does not listen. Maybe this time she will.

8. What was something you worried about that you don't worry about now? My parents' health issues. My mom's knee replacement surgery went extremely well, and now she's getting ready for foot surgery. My dad's prostate cancer treatments were successful, and the 2 tumors that they found are now gone. His PSA test is in April, but all signs are good that the numbers will be on target.

9. What made you proud? I overheard my step-daughter telling her grandmother that she considers her father and me as "her parents", and her biological mother as just that - her bio-mom.

10. Describe a moment you want to remember. Having dinner in a small, local restaurant in Florence, Italy where the waitress was apprehensive of us Americans at first, but by the end of the meal, considered us as friends complete with free shots of Limoncello. It was after that meal that I felt like I was at the best place on earth, and felt like I belonged.

So, that was my 2007.

Now, for my goals for 2008.

It's Coming............

2007-09-29T07:54:00.001-07:00

Your Halloween Costume Should Be

A Bumble Bee

What Should You Be For Halloween?

Moving Forward

2007-09-23T14:01:00.000-07:00

So, the AVP of my department stopped me on Thursday afternoon as we were crossing paths at the elevators. She said that she wanted to talk to me in a tone that said "we need to talk". Uh oh. I figure I'll just fail to follow-up and she'll forget that she stopped me. No such luck. I got back to my desk and there was a voice mail. She said that if I got the voice message, she wanted to meet at 3:00. I looked at the clock and it read 3:05, but I figured I should at least make an effort and headed over to her office. Blam - there she was - coming my way. No escape. "There you are", she said. "Let's take a walk. I'll buy you a cup of coffee." We headed on up to the company cafeteria. We settled in, and she started by stating that the only time that we talk is when I am stressed and she is too busy to talk about it. So, she wanted to talk about it all.

Why don't I like the fill-in project manager? Why am I so stressed? What's going on? Where do I start, I thought, without upsetting the entire apple cart. I figured what the hell, she asked - I might as well tell her everything that was on my mind. So, I did. Everything. Nothing left out. I don't hate the PM, I just don't agree with her style. I don't hate my co-worker, Joe, I just don't like that he doesn't pull his weight. He hides in the testing lab and doesn't forward his phone, so I am left to cover all of the production issues/problems as well as try to fit in my part of the software testing AND complete my other daily duties. She totally agrees with me. No shocker there. She always did. But what is she going to do about it? She said that she is giving me a promotion. She said that it is ridiculous that I "report" to Joe (he is one pay grade higher than me) when he is not a mentor-figure, I know more than he does, and I do 75 - 85% of the automation support duties for the department. She said that she knows what Joe does and doesn't do, she has formed her own opinion of him, but ethically she can't share her thoughts. I totally agree with her, and respect her for it. She told me that I have to stop saying that I'm leaving, or that I have one foot out the door because she doesn't want me to leave. I told her that the pressure is getting to me. And, while the promotion is nice, it is not really about the money anymore. I told her flat out that I put up with the crap because I needed my salary. But, in recent weeks, I have gone over my home budget and finances and I am at a point now where I no longer need to have my full salary. I am in a position where I can leave and take a job with less pay. She said that she understood, but she still wants me to stay at least until she retires next year. I told her that I will keep that in mind, but after 18+ years of putting up with the bullshit just because I took the time to learn about the operation and made myself a key player in the department, only to be kept at the same level for over 7 years, is also something that needs to be taken into account. I have reached a point where I need to re-evaluate and move forward. I can no longer be stagnant. I am done with automation support and need to learn new things, and I just do not see that opportunity happening in my current position - and as long as Joe is beside me. I am not carrying him for three more years until he retires. Do something about it. Period, end of story. She thanked me for being so candid, and said she will do the best she can to make improvements.

What is the point of the story? I guess there really isn't any point now. Two years ago or perhaps even three years ago, I would have been ecstatic about a promotion. I needed it then. Now, not so much. While it is great to finally get the recognition that I feel I deserve, I also feel like I am getting it as a bribe to stay and carry Joe until he retires in three years. Not happening. I feel like senior management is finally feeling the shift in the department, and are noticing that key people are leaving. Quite a few have already gone, and the few of us that remain are getting very vocal and itchy for change. Hopefully, they will listen before they are starting at square one all over again.

Moving forward. That is what I am doing. My retail business idea is coming together. I've done alot of the research that is needed, now I need to focus on the financials. Not an easy task, but definitely do-able. I met with a SCORE counselor, and he told me that I should definitely move forward (his exact words) with my idea. From what he can tell, I have a market for it and that is the biggest hurdle to overcome after finding seed money. After 5 years of talking about it, things are finally falling into place. It finally feels like it is a "good time".

Everyone Wants to Be a Comedian.....

2007-09-01T07:20:00.000-07:00

Last night, I came home from work to this............and get to look at it and be embarrassed for 3 days! Yes, it is that time of year again - my birthday. Actually, Sunday is the "big day". I don't really like to make a big deal out of my birthday esp this year, but for some reason, others can't seem to let it go that I am turning 40 this year. To me, it's just another day on the calendar.

Thanks, Mom Taylor.........love ya!

A Little Sample of Italy........

2007-05-21T16:24:00.001-07:00

the top of St. Peter's Basilica at the Vatican
inside Rome

the Tuscan countryside (side trip from Florence)

St. Mark's Square in Venice

Ahh, Vacation

2007-05-01T14:49:00.000-07:00

Only one more day to go until I am finished work and leave for my 8-day vacation in Italy!! I so deserve this! Chris and I both deserve it. Ok, maybe I deserve it more ;o)!

Preparing for vacation sucks though. People at work are bombarding me with questions and last minute requests, house stuff needs to get done, a cat-sitter needs to be lined up. Ugh. I need a vacation just to recover from preparing for vacation!

I will do a quick weigh-in on Thursday morning, so I have an accurate account of my weight before we leave. Hopefully, any damage that I do on the food front will be offset by the voluminous amount of walking that we will be doing. But, I am not going to obsess about it. I want to enjoy myself, but I firmly believe that I have learned some new behaviors that will curb my excessiveness of past vacations. I've worked so hard to get these first 15 lbs off and I don't want to have to start all over again!

Reconnection is my other goal for the next 8 days. Chris and I desperately need to reconnect. If we don't, then some serious thinking needs to be done upon our return. At least we are going with another couple so we won't be "stuck" with just each other all day!!!

Ciao!

Truth, Part 2

2007-04-14T12:02:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, blogging has become a low priority in recent weeks/months and, quite frankly, I hate that it has. I enjoying reading blogs, and feel like a cheater if I don't post on my own. 2007 is supposed to be my self-proclaimed "year of me" and I am already slacking off on my own personal commitments to a better sense of self.

I know that I portray myself completely differently on the Shrinkers blog, but the truth is this: my life is taking a downward spiral. As was indicated by the post right before this one, my marriage is in very shaky ground right now, and I do not know how to fix it especially since I am 1/2 to blame for its steady demise. Although if you asked Chris, he would say that it is all my fault. And, who knows, he may be right, but I just can't take full responsibility. I am not the only one who brought emotional baggage into this relationship. I want to elaborate, but since I am not sure if he reads this blog, I am going to refrain from specifics.

As I embark on my 10th year of marriage and approach my 40th year on this planet, the pull of change is so strong that I just cannot deny it any longer. Perhaps I should "lay my cards on the table" and see what happens. It may not be as bad as I think it is, or it could be worse.

All that I know is that I can't feel much worse that I do at this very minute.

Truth

2007-04-04T04:05:00.000-07:00

Today is my 9th wedding anniversary.

Sometimes I really hate being married.

When did I lose sight of "me" in the past 9 years, and how do I find her?

Betty Has Left the Building.....

2007-01-31T14:08:00.000-08:00

In Memoriam --

My grandmom, Betty Dabagian, passed away this past Saturday, 01/27/07. She was 84 years old and finally lost her battle with renal cell cancer. Today was her funeral. I got to participate in the day by being a pallbearer. I felt honored, and she would have said "you done good, Susie".

I love you, Grandmom, and I will miss you dearly.

Rest in peace.

End of 2006...........

2006-12-31T05:45:00.000-08:00

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

How Do They Do That?

2006-12-02T06:03:00.000-08:00

What American accent do you have? Your Result: Philadelphia Your accent is as Philadelphian as a cheesesteak! If you're not from Philadelphia, then you're from someplace near there like south Jersey, Baltimore, or Wilmington. if you've ever journeyed to some far off place where people don't know that Philly has an accent, someone may have thought you talked a little weird even though they didn't have a clue what accent it was they heard.
The Midland
The South
The Northeast
The Inland North
Boston
The West
North Central
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

http://www.gotoquiz.com/what_american_accent_do_you_have

Something Fun to Try.......

2006-11-24T11:02:00.000-08:00

http://www.myheritage.com

BOO!

2006-10-31T14:30:00.000-08:00

Happy Halloween!!

Time Flies.....

2006-10-08T16:27:00.000-07:00

Gosh, it looks like it has been forever since I posted, yet it seems like only a few weeks ago.

I guess since I've been posting on The NS Shrinkers Club blog, I've neglected my own.

It is time for me to start blogging about all the thoughts that are swirling around in my head............

Stay tuned.......

Friday Funny

2006-08-24T17:03:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday or Saturday or Sunday (whenver you are reading this!)

Personally, I prefer item #1, however, someday I will be in item #5. Items 6 & 7 are just not my style!!

Some Pictures

2006-08-20T14:24:00.000-07:00

I had my family over my house for dinner for my mom's birthday a few weeks ago and took these pictures...............I thought I'd share.

From left to right -- Ted (my brother), Dad, Mom and me. Unfortunately, I am positioned right in front of my china cabinet so it looks like I have no hair. My brother, my mom and I are the chubbettes -- Dad still weighs the same he has his whole adult life. You can see where I get my genes from!!

Me and Chris (the happy couple?) This is the first decent picture of us in a long time. I had just gotten my hair cut the day before, so it was behaving exceptionally well that day!

Five Weird Things or Habits About Me

2006-08-09T06:03:00.000-07:00

I've been double-tagged by Jenna and Sheryl...............

Here are the rules:

The player of this game starts with "Five weird things/habits about yourself". In the end you need to choose five people to be tagged and list their names. The people who get tagged need to write a blog about their five weird things/habits, as well as state this rule clearly, then tag five more victims. Don't forget to leave your victim a comment that says "you're tagged!" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. I have to clean my kitchen every night before I go to bed. I can't stand to see dirty dishes in the kitchen when I come into it first thing in the morning.

2. I have to brush my teeth every night before bed no matter how tired I am.

3. I have cried at the end of cartoon movies such as Monster, Inc. and Ice Age.

4. When I am at work, I think about all the things that I could be doing at home if I wasn't at work, yet when I am home, I do nothing.

5. I dislike strawberries and anything that is strawberry flavored except for Strawberry Pop Tarts.

There ya have it. Now I have to tag people. I'm sure everyone has been tagged by now, but here's my list anyway:

Jill

I'm outta here until Saturday -- headin' south to the Jersey shore - Wildwood! I'm so ready to relax in some sun, surf and sand.

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Freakin' Hot!

2006-07-31T15:32:00.000-07:00

Ok, I am still on the planet. Trying desperately to KEEP COOL!!

I've been doing some re-evaluating in recent weeks.

I will be posting soon!

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Happy 230th Birthday, USA!!

2006-07-04T07:21:00.000-07:00

It's been 230 years since this great country of ours came to be. 230 years. That's a lot of years!

I remember when we celebrated the Bicentennial in 1976. I was almost 9 years old (September), but my parents, aunts and uncles made a huge deal out of it. We had a huge picnic at my house with all of my family members plus a few friends thrown in for good measure. (I wish I had a picture, but I don't have any of them at my house.) My one aunt is very craft and she took ordinary bathroom tiles and painted about 50 of them in a patriotic theme as a sort of "party favor" for all the guests. Other than the fact that it rained all day (figures), that's about all that I remember of that celebration.

Independence Day is always a big deal in Philadelphia for reasons that are obvious. I, personally, haven't been to any of the festivities in years. I used to go to the big fireworks display at Penn's Landing every year. I just got lazy and tired of crowds. Plus, I am in Center City for 5 days a week and am grateful to be out of it for the weekends and holidays! I have a co-worker who attends the big soiree in July 4th at the Art Museum every year. She's lived in Philadelphia her whole life and loves everything about the city. I love Philadelphia, just not enough to sit in a hot crowd for hours on end!

Anyway, Happy Birthday, USA! I hope everyone has a great time celebrating!

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The Reading Room

2006-06-15T18:42:00.000-07:00

Since the warmer weather has arrived, my reading has picked up a bit. I have been an avid reader since my pre-teen years (Laura Ingalls Wilder) through teen years (Judy Blume and Sidney Sheldon) and well into adulthood (think just about anything except for those Harlequin Romances - yuck!).

At any rate, I have read some great books recently and I wanted to share on this blog. Since I couldn't possibly list every book I've ever read, I think I will list the last few, give a shout-out to what I'm reading now and what I have on deck next.

I think I will make this an regular post since I love sharing titles with others.

Happy Summer Reading!

**************************************************************************

Just Finished:

Goodnight Nobody by Jennifer Weiner

I have read all of Jennifer Weiner's books and LOVED them all. They made one into a movie last year with Cameron Diaz -- In Her Shoes. While the movie was good, the book was much better.

The Dead Don't Dance by Charles Martin

I read this book on recommendation from a friend. She said that she loved it and couldn't put it down. She also said that everyone else who she loaned it to said the same thing. So, I gave it a look-see. I loved it, too.

The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown

Ok, I am probably one of the last people on the planet to read this, but I -- #1: hate hardbook books and #2: hate buying the "oversized" paperbacks that the publishers push for $14.00 each. So, I was in Costco awhile back and saw it in a normal paperback size for $4.29. Sold. I read the entire thing on my vacation in April in Key West. One of the best books I've read in a long time.

(Wow -- my images are getting smaller and smaller! LOL)

Currently Reading:

Marley and Me by John Grogan

This is a true story about couple and their first dog together - Marley. I was originally attracted to the book because the author currently resides in the Philly area and writes for the local newspaper - the Philadelphia Inquirer. I am enjoying it so far, but I know that this is the story about the life of a dog and I just know that I'm going to be a blubbering mess at the end. Gonna have to make sure I'm not on the train when I finish up!

Next on My List:

The Idiot Girl's Action-Adventure Club by Laurie Notaro

The first book of Laurie's that I picked up was Autobiography of a Fat Bride. I think I either read in the paper or online that it was on some kind of top-something-or-other list and decided to check it out. Well, I laughed my ass off! I was hooked. Each book is a collection of short story chapters about actual events in the author's life with a comedic spin on it. However, the funniest - I mean laugh out loud so people are staring at you - book so far has been I Love Everybody and Other Atrocious Lies. I've passed it along to several others and all are in agreement. I HIGHLY recommend all you women out there to check out this hysterical storyteller.

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Today's Horoscope & Other Random Thoughts

2006-06-10T16:57:00.000-07:00

Virgo
Sometimes you just have to go on faith. You're at a crossroads right now -- and time is running out. You need to decide soon which way you're going, and you won't have the luxury of knowing all the information you want to know about your options. The good news is that you're in a very solid lucky phase, and your instincts can fill in the blanks and help you take a calculated risk. So even if you're not completely sure, go in the direction that just feels the most comfortable now.

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This was my horoscope today on www.iwon.com. I found it to be very on target for this blog. In fact, I couldn't have put my thoughts and feelings into better words myself. It is scary to me how at times my horoscope is so much on target with whatever I may be analyzing in my mind.

This past week was a bitch at work. I wasn't home before 6:30pm every day with the topper being 10pm on Wednesday. My partner was in Chicago all week so I was covering as automation support (hardware problems, software problems) as well as my fair share of regular work-load. Two people is not enough and one person is definitely not enough. However, most of the time I'm better off by myself. I could go into detail, but I don't want to ruin my Saturday night by thinking or writing about him. My job is my #1 decision that I need to make THIS YEAR. I have been toying with the idea of opening my own specialty retail store. I am so ready, but yet I am not ready. I want it so bad that I can taste it, but yet I am too terrified to take the appropriate steps to get myself moving.

Paralysis by analysis. I saw this phrase in a magazine or book once and it is so true. I have analyzed to the point that I am paralyzed. While it is good to think things through, there is such a thing as over-thinking. I have definitely over-thought this. I am so miserable at my present job that I could just spit. While I should be happy that I have a decent job in these times and I am appreciative of what I have at this job, the personal satisfaction is just not there anymore. Add on the extra expectations with no compensation and it all just does not seem worth the effort anymore. And, the 3-hour daily commute doesn't help matters either.

I must make this decision and make it work. Everyone in my life says that I can do it. I just wish I had better confidence in myself. I need to stop doubting myself. Life isn't going to happen to me all by itself. I need to make it happen to me. I truly believe that if I get this aspect of my life moving in the right direction, the rest will fall into place -- weight issues, relationship issues, family issues (as in starting one of my own).

I was mulling over a particular word this week in my head and then decided to look it up in the dictionary. Yes, I have a paperback version on my desk at home as well on my desk at work. It is a word that popped in my head while I was ridiculously sitting around work on Wednesday night waiting for other people to finish their work so I could go home.

Passion: 3a. boundless enthusiasm

I just don't have it. I don't have it for anything - work, home, myself. I don't even have a passion for food anymore. I told Chris more than once this week that I have no interest in food anymore. I don't feel like figuring out what I should or shouldn't be eating - so I just don't want to eat. It takes too much thought process. Although, mindless eating still occurred -- candy, soft pretzels, hamburgers, fries. Exercise has definitely not been on my agenda for almost 2 months - since the week before I went to Key West.

My cousin emailed me this week to thank me for sending her and her husband a housewarming gift. She is about 8 years younger than me and we've never really been very close, but we're not strangers either. We see each other a couple of times a year at family affairs. Anyway, in the email she writes that she really would like to get together for lunch since it turns out that we work not that far from each other in Philly. Now, my cousin is definitely someone with passion. Boundless enthusiasm. She has her master's degree in world health, works for a non-profit health-related organization and she spent two years in some remote country between Russia and China for the Peace Corps teaching poor kids and living in a frozen hut. She's not even 30 years old yet and married her high school sweetheart who waited for her to finish all that she "needed" to do & even visited her on the frozen tundra. (Their wedding was the most romantic and heart-felt ceremony that I have ever been to.) So, basically, I have NOTHING other than BLOOD in common with this woman. My only passion was for drinking my way through my 20's until I met Chris at age 28 and got married at age 30. Do I seriously need to be reminded of this?

Hence, my life being at a crossroad.

Which way do I go??

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In Remembrance - Memorial Day 2006

2006-05-29T07:54:00.000-07:00

While I do not know anyone who has died in a war or while actively serving in the military, I have been taught by my father and continue to this day to honor and remember those who have willingly (and not so willingly) served the United States of America on foreign soil to protect the basic human right of freedom.

My childhood friend's husband, Dan, is an active member of the U.S. Army and is currently spending one year as a military consultant assisting the Saudi Arabian National Guard. While he won't be near any of the war zone, he is still spending one full year away from his wife and three kids. Peace to you, Dan, and you are in my prayers. And, Barb -- you, Tatiana, Natalie and Dominic are also on my mind and in my heart. Be strong.

God Bless America!

Yes, I said GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Back North

2006-05-04T14:50:00.000-07:00

I wanted to do this post earlier in the week, but Blogger was not cooperating and then I just got too busy.

Key West was awesome! We had a great time. We both like history and the island and the Keys are rich in history -- shipwrecks, pirates, hurricanes, etc. Very exciting history to say the least. There are also lots of great restaurants (not of which are "on plan") and entertainment from sunsets at Mallory Square to musicians in all the open-air bars/saloons. I won't bore everyone with the play-by-play of each day, just know that we walked alot, ate alot and sweat alot!! Good times!

Here are the pictures that I took -- I know that there are alot from the cemetery, but Chris and I find cemeteries fascinating for some reason. Click here! (Note: you need to have an account - it's free! - on www.kodakgallery.com to be able to see the pictures. Sorry!)

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Well, it seems that I have been "tagged" by Barry on the "what kind of....." game. So, here goes:

I am the kind of girl who can give really good directions.

I am the kind of girl who sends everyone she knows a birthday card on their birthday.

I am the kind of girl who loves cats.

I am the kind of girl who enjoys a good lager.

I am the kind of girl who must brush her teeth before going to bed no matter how tired she is.

I am the kind of girl who worries about what other people think about her.

I am the kind of girl who will get her life together -- soon.

I leave you with this..............
Sunset at Mallory Square, Key West on Wednesday, 4/26/06:

Headin' Down South

2006-04-22T17:25:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow (Sunday) is the big day -- VACATION!! Chris and I have been looking forward to this trip for weeks. It is desperately needed. Alone time -- could go either way for us - good or bad. I'm sure by the end of the week, we'll be done with each other for awhile.

We're flying out of Philly into Miami then driving from Miami to Key West. It'll be a long day, but I love flying and can't wait to experience the drive down the highway through the Keys. I think I covered this in an earlier post. Anyway, we're flying home on Friday, so we will at least have the weekend to recover and ease back into back-to-work mode. ::sigh::

I'm going to miss my cats, but my dad will be stopping by every day to check on them, so they shouldn't be too lonely. The Little Princess (Lucy the kitten) will be in for a bit of a shock. This will be our first extended trip where we left her alone. She sleeps with us every night. She's not going to be a happy camper!

Anyway, better get back to packing and setting up all my VCR's for this week's tv shows. Of course, they are all new this week.

Later -- I'm outta here!

2006-04-14T05:58:00.000-07:00

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain.
People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

What Do People Envy About You?

Catching Up

2006-04-11T21:27:00.000-07:00

It seems that I am finally coming out of my funk. I have figured out that I must have that seasonal depression thing that alot of people get during the winter months. I never really took much notice of it until this year. Then, when I thought back to previous years, it appears that the time between early to mid-February until early April is when I go under -- fatigued, snippy, down-trodden, etc. I also eat my way through it. This would also explain why I am always compelled to begin a diet in mid to late April. Anyhoo, I'm coming up and out of it.
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We made our vacation plans. Every year, we like to take a real vacation (meaning "leaving on a jet plane") in April since it is our anniversary and Chris' birthday. This year was our 8th anniversary (4/4) and Chris will be 43 (4/19). I guess the whole "need to get away in April" thing started with our honeymoon (San Diego & Los Angeles). Then it kind of died out for a few years until 2003 when Chris turned 40 and it was our 5th anniversary. We went to New Orleans that year. Awesome time. 2004 was London. 2005 was Las Vegas. And, 2006 will be KEY WEST, baaaabbbbyyyy!! We will be spending 6 days and 5 nights in sunny Key West -- leaving on Sunday, 4/23 and returning on Friday, 4/28. We will fly into Miami, pick up the rental car and drive to our historic bed & breakfast, The Curry House. I wanted to experience the drive through the islands. We won't be driving back though -- we'll be flying out of Key West with a brief stop in Miami. We soooooo need this break. It can't come fast enough.
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Food has been my enemy these past 2 months. My lowest weight of 214.5 was on 2/26. As of 4/8, I am back up to 224.8 lbs. I got a new scale. I wanted to see more than 1/2 lb increments. Exercise has been non-existent except for an occasional - maybe 1x per week - stint on the elliptical. I am getting some of my motivation back though. I did my free weights today. I use an elastic band for some leg exercises and the bitch broke right in the middle of my workout -- snapped right onto the left side of my face. I determined that I was lucky it didn't take my eye out and just moved on. I also started using the stairs again at work. Next, I will start my lunchtime walks.
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On another note, I had a bit of a health issue arise a few weeks back. I was toweling off after a shower when I see a lump through the skin on my right breast. Needless to say, my stomach dropped and my heart started racing. I waited a few days to see what it did -- which, incidentally, was nothing. So, I scheduled a look-see with the doctor's office who, in turn, scheduled me for an immediate mammogram with an ultrasound on the side for good measure. Now, breast cancer does not run in my family so I wasn't too worried, but you know, it is a freakin' lump in my breast!! So, the big day is 4/4 -- yes, on my 8th anniversary, my boobs were manipulated in unnatural ways and then subsequently squished between 2 plates. The radiologist says, "wow, you have really dense breasts!" WTF does that mean? It means, the doctor in the clinic can't read them too clearly, so let's squish the lumpy one just a little bit more, only this time, let's do it at a 45 degree angle and press harder. YAY! This was still not enough, so off I go to the ultrasound room. That was less dramatic -- no squishing there. The doc says -- looks like a cluster of benign cysts and "that's a good thing". No worries, thanks for stopping by, see you next year - same time, same place. Then, my doctor calls me 2 days later with her analysis. They are cysts, but I have 2 rather large ones - 2.5 cm is the larger one with the 2nd one just a little bit smaller. She is concerned that they might mask something in future mamms, so she wants me to go to a surgeon and have the fluid removed -- this will make them shrink and disappear. Translation: go have a stranger stick a long needle in your breast and extract fluid. Fun. I still have to schedule that for sometime next month. Doc says to get it done within the next 2 months. I'm waiting until after vacation.
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That's all I can think of for now. There were a few other things I wanted to write about, but I can't seem to remember what they are right now.

I'd like to give a special Philly "Yo!" to Sheryl, Bob, Scarlett, Danica, Bear, Jen, Emily and Heaven for leaving me comments and/or emails just to "check" on me. Even though we have never met, I think of you all as my "buds".

I also dedicate the current Bon Jovi tune on here ("Thank You for Loving Me") to Chris -- thanks for being my best friend for the past 8+ years. I love ya lots no matter what I say to the contrary!

I leave you with this -- the happy couple -- April 4, 1998:

I'm Here

2006-03-23T18:40:00.000-08:00

I want to post. I need to post. Not that it is a requirement to post, but that I feel better when I post. I just can't seem to put my thoughts into words these days. So, I lurk and read others' posts and look for inspiration.

I am working on it.

I'll be back soon.

A Quick Shot with a Chaser to Follow Real Soon......

2006-03-14T21:38:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the "nudges", Danica and Tina -- I've been a sloth lately and un-inspired. Here's a quickie post. I will follow-up with another real soon........

4 jobs I've had:
- Kitchen help in a nursing home for German nuns
- Convenience store cashier
- Bank teller
- Automation Analyst

4 movies I can watch over and over:
- Con Air
- Grease
- Bridget Jones' Diary
- Pride & Prejudice (BBC version w/ Colin Firth)

4 places I've lived:
- Philadelphia, PA
- Rockledge, PA
- Horsham, PA
- Lansdale & Hatfield, PA
Hmmm, do you think I'm from Pennsylvania?

4 tv shows I love:
- Grey's Anatomy
- Boston Legal
- All CSI's
- LOST
There are really too many to list, but I have cut back on my tv watching!

4 places I've vacationed:
- the Jersey Shore
- London
- Disney & surrounding attractions
- Las Vegas

4 of my favorite dishes:
- Cheeseburger and fries
- BBQ Spare Ribs w/cole slaw & baked beans
- Shrimp stuffed w/crabmeat
- Victoria's Filet & baked sweet potato w/butter & brown sugar (from Outback)
Gee, why am I overweight again?

4 places I would rather be right now:
- On vacation
- London (I really want to live there someday!)
- In my bed (yes, sleeping!)
- In my NaNa's company (she's been gone since 1986, but I still miss her)

Figures.........

2006-02-11T11:43:00.000-08:00

You Are Italian Food

Comforting yet overwhelming.People love you, but sometimes you're just too much.

What Kind of Food Are You?

I saw this on Karon's blog and thought I'd give it a try!

Oh What A Night..........

2006-02-06T16:59:00.000-08:00

Now, I have been a fan of Bon Jovi's music for over 20 years (since high school) and only got to see him for the FIRST time in the Summer of 2003 at the now-demolished Veteran's Stadium in Philadelphia. It was a multi-band concert with Sheryl Crow & the Counting Crows (2 other fave bands of mine!) with Bon Jovi as the headliner. It was an awesome concert and was the fulfillment of a dream of mine for a long, long time. Even Chris was impressed esp since he wasn't too thrilled with having to go with me in the first place. (He's more of an alternative band kind of guy - you know, XM Radio and all that.)

So, back in early November 2005, I got an email from the Borgata Hotel & Casino in Atlantic City announcing that the hotel was sponsoring a concert at the Atlantic City Boardwalk Hall with Bon Jovi! At first, I was like "Cool!" and then I was more like "Chris will never go again." So, I noted the date the tickets were to go on sale and waited. Well, the ticket sale day came, I was home alone, it was 10AM & I had a credit card sitting on my desk next to the computer. The rest, as they say, is history. I bought 2 tickets, called Chris at work and hoped that he wouldn't be too mad about it. He wasn't. Thank God.

This past Saturday was the concert and all I can say is "Oh, what a night!". The man and the band can still perform! I was blown away. First of all, Boardwalk Hall is HUGE! At first, I was thinking that the place was way too big and the sound was going to be crappy and the band was going to be the size of ants considering where our seats were. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Jon Bon Jovi sang the opening song RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR SEATS! We were almost all the way in the back. He did the opening song and a couple of other songs right in the seats and then greeted people, shook hands, kissed fans, etc while he made his way back to the stage. Very cool. They also had a huge "fanavision" screen behind the stage so we could see them for the whole show. Again, I had the time of my life. I didn't even care that it rained all day, that my hair looked like crap, that I didn't eat one, single healthy food the whole day, that I felt like my lungs were collapsing as I walked through the casinos from all the smoke, and that Chris complained about the crowds, the traffic, the wait at all the restaurants and his $21 windshield wiper not working. Nothing was going to bring me down. As the song goes, "when the world gets in my face, I say 'have a nice day'!"

And, you know, the thing that struck me the most, the thing that made me feel old and made me realize just how far the world has come in 20 years...............during the first song, when Jon was in the middle of the crowd, I looked at the crowd around him (and me) and all I could see was everybody's picture cell phone pointed toward him taking his effin' picture! Back in the day, we all would have had our lighters up in the air!! Geez, we wouldn't have been allowed to even bring a camera into the arena!

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In other news, I met with my personal trainer last Tuesday. It was great to see her again and she did measurements. My BMI went up since August, but I knew that it would since I had stopped all my weight training stuff. I went from a BMI of 25% up to 28%. I should get that back down in a couple of weeks as long as I do the program she setup for me at least 3x a week. I also need to get a new mat and an exercise ball to help with my abs. I really need to focus on the abs. All the other measurements stayed about the same, give or take a 1/4 inch here and there, so that was a good sign. Needless to say, I couldn't move my fat, out-of-shape arms for about 4 days after I worked out on Tuesday.

Food intake has had its ups-and-downs in the past week or so. I know what I need to do, but sometimes I just don't do it. But, that applies to alot of things in my life right now -- job, relationships, food, exercise. I'm working on it. Reluctantly.

Thanks to all the great comments on my de-clutter project!! I am loving it and yes, it still looks like the pictures! I've been trying to sell the books and other assorted objects on eBay and Half.com (as noted by the links on my sidebar). I still have to go through some boxes of books. I think I might just publish a list of what I have on this blog somewhere and if someone sees something that they want, they can have it for the cost of mailing it to them. Any thoughts on this idea?

I'm down 4 lbs since January 1st. At this rate, I could be almost at goal by the end of the year. That's a good sign.

Bring on February. Maybe I can beat my own record!

De-Clutter - Take One

2006-01-29T05:07:00.000-08:00

So, one of my goals for 2006 is to de-clutter my house. On January 14th, I had a professional organizer come into my house and help Chris and I do just that in our basement. We have been wanting to setup a home gym for over a year down there and have just not done it because of the overwhelming task of junking shit out of it. So, 6 hours and $500 later, we were finished and SO HAPPY! My front porch wasn't happy and I'm sure the neighbors were not thrilled to be looking at all the trash for a week, but I.....don't.....care! I have a use-able basement! Oh, and just so we are clear, the trash bag in the "before" photos above is not really trash - it is filled with old throw pillows for the sofa. I'm not that trashy! Also, if you look really, really hard, you can see the elliptical machine poking out from behind the boxes in the top bottom photo.

The almost-final result -- (drum roll please!)

Ooooo, pretty, huh? Here's another picture of the home gym equipment from a different angle:
Ok, so it is not state-of-the-art, but it works for us. Click here to get a better idea of what the weight bench looks like.

I say almost-finished because there are still a few boxes of books that I need to go through and Chris has tons of sports cards, record albums and other assorted collectibles that he wants to sort and put up on eBay (chris405 is his eBay name if your interested in that sort of thing).

It is so cool for Chris and I to have a place right down a flight of stairs to go and exercise. I have been SO MUCH MORE consistent with my exercise since the 14th. I even called my old personal trainer and setup an appointment for her to come over and set me up with a program. She's coming tomorrow night.

I am moving forward.

It feels good.

Thanks, Claire!

I Knew It!

2006-01-14T13:59:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Sheryl and Scarlett! I loved this quiz!

what decade does your personality live in?

quiz brought to you by lady interference, ltd

Reflections on 2005 & Setting My Sights on 2006

2006-01-04T18:35:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

2005 turned out to be a good year for me. Not outstanding, not earth-shattering, not horrible and not bad. Just good.

2005 Highlights:
- I lost 17.5 lbs and kept if off.
- I started this blog, which has helped me tremendously.
- I "met" alot of great people in Blogland and hope to maintain the connections.
- My family stayed in good health all year.
- Lucy (the kitten) came into my life and brought nothing but joy to our humble household.
- I have a job (even though I don't like it).
- I was able to take a 5-day vacation to Las Vegas back in April.
- I renewed some old friendships and found that we have more in common that I originally thought.

There are probably more, but I just couldn't possibly think of them all.

2006 is going to be a great year for me! Not just good, but great.

2006 Goals:
- Continue to lose weight and reach my goal of 160 lbs by 12/31/06.
- Become more focused on creating a better relationship with Chris by letting go of some issues and by creating a more positive attitude.
- Seriously consider consulting a counselor about my negative thinking. I believe that I am suffering from some form of depression. I have always had small bouts of it, but was always able to pull myself out of them. It just is not happening this time. I need to get out of the negative state for the sake of myself and my marriage. I have seen my future (my mother) and I don't want to go there.
- De-clutter my life. Simplify all things: relationships, home, job and self.
- Work at least one hour per day on prepping to open my retail store. I know that I won't get rich, but at least I will be happy (well, at least happier than I am with my current job) and won't have to set my alarm for 4:00am!
- Open my retail store by May/June 2006.
- Make a final decision about having a baby. I will be 39 in September. It is time to sink or swim on this one.
- Do more "me" stuff such as regular visits to the hair salon, massages, manicures, pedicures and facials. I already started with the massages (1x per month) and I highly recommend it. As for the rest, I need to take the time to make myself feel better on the outside.
- Focus on my existing relationships (other than Chris) and how to make them better
- Make at least one new friend
- Read more
- Watch tv less
- De-clutter and organize my goddamn house (cripes! It's out of control!)
- Maintain this blog

These are my goals. I am ready.

Post Mortem

2005-12-27T08:50:00.000-08:00

December 27th and all is quiet in the house. The cats and kitten are all sleeping and hubby is back to work. I sit here and relish my final day off before heading back to all that is work -- 4am wake-up calls, useless and mind-slushing questions, etc, etc.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day came and went. To me, it feels like it never happened. I am only reminded that it ever occurred when I enter my living room and see the tree and the bags of presents that were brought home from the various get-togethers. Both days were uneventful and pretty much the same old, same old. Christmas Eve was at my brother-in-law and sister-in-law's house. We arrived at 6:45pm with Chris' parents, grandfather and sister & family close behind. We greeted, distributed our gifts to their respective piles, brought out the appetizers, chatted and watched "A Christmas Story" while eating dinner (ham, asparagus, cole slaw, potatoes, rolls). Then, just when I thought my 6-year-old niece was going to literally explode with excitement, the gift opening began. This process takes several hours because we all sit in a circle and take turns opening one gift at a time. Oh, and part of the "fun" is trying to figure out what the gift is by the "elf name" on the gift tag. For example, Chris got the "Serenity" DVD - the gift tag read "from The Serene Elf". Cute, huh? Not. Anyway, my father-in-law thinks this is great fun, the rest of us are tired of it. After gifts, my in-laws with the kids were in a rush to get home because they still needed to do "the Santa thing" and they had to pick up some gifts that they had hidden at someone else's house. So, dessert and coffee was rushed through with everyone standing in the kitchen and then off they went. The rest of us hung out a bit more and by midnight we were on the road home. Round One done.

Christmas morning, Chris and I did the gift thing which lasted all of 10 minutes since we really don't get more than 1 or 2 things for each other. I got him 2 tickets to a Philly Flyers hockey game in March, a baseball cap that reads "I'd Rather Be in My Garage" and the "Serenity" DVD with accompanying companion book. Oops, he got the DVD from his Mom. Damn. My stupid MIL calls a week before Christmas to ask him what he wants after I already sent her a list with about 20 things on it for him. I was pissed. He said that she was feeling guilty for not calling him about his foot problem. Whatever. Anyway, I must have been a good girl this year or else Chris was a bad boy. He got me a flat panel monitor for my computer, a Sunbeam Hot Tea Maker (it's like a coffee maker except it brews tea instead) and a beautiful sapphire and diamond ring. Now, this is a big deal because I wear no jewelry except for my wedding band and a watch. Occasionally, when I get dressed up or if we are going out for the evening somewhere special, I will wear my engagement ring/wedding band set. That's it. I do not wear earrings, necklaces, bracelets or other rings. I just don't feel comfortable wearing it. But, lately, I have mentioned that I would probably not mind wearing a nice ring on my right hand. So, lo and behold, my first ever fancy, real-jewelry-store piece of jewelry. (Just in case you're wondering, my wedding set came from JCPenney -- it was all he/we could afford at the time.)

The rest of Christmas Day was spent at my parents' house along with my brother and sister-in-law. No kids on either side, so it was a relatively quiet day. Mom, of course, spent 90% of the day in the kitchen. Why she spends so much time making so much food for 6 people is beyond me. Then, it took an hour for her to clean the whole mess up because she couldn't relax until all the food was "put away" which automatically led right into "just let me wash these few pots". We finally got to the gifts and all were happy with the choices picked out for them. Then, dessert and coffee. Bro and sis-in-law were the 1st to leave because they were "exhausted" from having her family at their house for Christmas Eve dinner. We hung out a bit longer until I started getting the evil looks from Chris and we headed home. Round Two done.

We both had off from work yesterday and decided to be lazy all day. Chris' sister was supposed to stop over so he could hook up her new XM Satellite Radio in her car. She never called or stopped by. My parents stopped over for an hour or so to visit and "see our tree". My Dad has this thing where he likes to see everyone's Christmas trees. They stayed until 3:00 then headed back home to let the dog out and then went to visit my grandparents (Mom's parents). My grandmother is "hit or miss" when it comes to visitors so my mom doesn't push it about my brother and I coming along. She's 83 and not doing well mentally. Apparently, she never got out of bed on Christmas Day and missed dinner at my aunt's house. My grandfather went without her. Sad. But, that's a whole other story. After Mom & Dad left, we headed out to rent some movies. That is always a struggle. We never want to see the same movies. We ended up with "Four Brothers" and "Mr & Mrs Smith". Both were surprisingly good. Dinner at Applebees was in-between shows.

Food choices were "I ate what I wanted in reasonable portions". I slacked alot with the water intake and exercise which most likely contributed to the 1.5 lb gain for the week.

So, I will relish my final day off from work and get some household stuff done -- run to the grocery store, return the DVD's to Blockbuster, finish up some laundry, straighten up the house and maybe even cook dinner. I also have a few more tv shows on tape in the VCR that I need to watch before the new episodes start in January. Oh, and I took the cat to the vet for his annual checkup this morning.

The pictures I took for the holiday are still in the camera and need to be uploaded to my computer. As soon as I do it, I'll post some pics from the festivities.

Oh, and, the biopsy from Chris' mole removal on the 12th came back benign. That was an early Christmas present to him from the doctor. Also, Lucy (the kitten) is recovering well. We had to take her back on Friday afternoon because she picked up an upper respiratory infection and was coughing. She's doing well with the antibiotic and is about 99% back to her normal self.

Christmas 2005 is in the history books.

Bring on New Year 2006!

Holiday Spirit

2005-12-18T17:11:00.000-08:00

Ok, so here's a picture of my new Rudolph Village that I bought in installments this past year from Collectibles Today. All the buildings light up - there is Santa's Castle, Hermey's Dentist Office, Comet's Reindeer Flight Camp, Rudolph's House and Santa's Workshop. There is also the Christmas tree with the Bumble putting the star on top. The tree lights up, too. There are little figures of Santa & Mrs. Claus, Hermey the Elf, Yukon Cornelius, Rudolph & Clarice and the Burl Ives Snowman Guy (not sure of his name in the show). And, finally, there is a string of lamp-posts that you are supposed to put throughout the village. They light up, too, but I'm having a hard time keeping them upright. I tried to put some of that snow "fluff" stuff around, but it looked stupid. So, it is a snowless village. It's cute and so far (knock wood) the kitten has left it alone. Thank God for small favors.

Speaking of the kitten -- Lucy will be leaving us for a couple of days while she gets her spay and de-claw surgery. Now, before any of you go ballistic on me about the de-claw, my 2 boys have had it done with no problems. Yeah, I know, how would I like it if someone decided that the first joint of my fingers should be cut off, blah blah blah. If it was truly horrible, no respectible veterinarian would perform the surgery. Also, in my defense, Chris and I seriously considered not getting her done, but she is just BAD with the claws and she WILL NOT, under any circumstances, let me clip her nails myself. The way she screams before I even touch a paw would make the neighbors think I was ripping her leg right out of its socket. Lordy, the screeching!! Plus, my hands, arms and back are shredded from her playing and climbing on me all the time. But, bottom line, she is my Miss Beetle, Beetlebug, Baby Girl and I will miss her snuggles under the covers for 2 nights. However, the boys, I believe, will enjoy the small vacation from her endless energy.

Christmas preparations are moving along as well as can be expected. Chris had a minor procedure done to the bottom of his foot last Monday which has pretty much put a kink in our usual holiday running around. To make a long story short, he went to the dermatologist back in October after accidentally half-ripping off a skin tag under his arm. He had the rest of it removed along with another one under the other arm. The doc wanted to look at all of his skin then since it had been awhile since he'd been to see him and his mother has a history of skin melanomas. The doc takes a look at a mole on the arch of his left foot and decides he doesn't like the look of it and wants it removed asap. Huh? He gives Chris the name of a cosmetic surgeon who he sees in November. The only available appt for the removal between 11/7 and March 2006 is Dec 12th. Right smack in the middle of December. Figures. He feels bad about it but what can he do. Anyway, we are still waiting to hear about the biopsy results. We're keeping our fingers crossed that it comes back normal and no further tissue removal is required. He's been a trooper though. He went shopping yesterday with me even though he sat in the car most of the time.

So, as I said, preparations are moving along. 90% of the gifts are bought. None are wrapped. All the ingredients I need to bake are bought. None are mixed or baked. I still need to find containers to put the cookies and breads in to give to people. Christmas cards were finally tackled on Thursday evening and mailed on Friday. Personal family cards are bought and signed. Tree is up and decorated. House is decorated - inside and out.

I just wish I was more in the spirit. I don't know what it is. I usually love this time of year. The carols, the decorations, the gift buying, the wrapping. I can't put my finger on it. It's like something is missing. Or, maybe I am just bored with the whole process this year. Maybe I just need to switch it up a bit. I don't know. I'll have to give it some more thought.

On the food front, I am maintaining and that is all I can ask for this month considering I usually gain about 5-10 lbs during the time between Thanksgiving and the New Year. Yeah, I'm satisfied with maintaining my weight with the goal of kicking my ass in gear in 2006. It's all good.

Anyhoo, only 3 days of work this week - Mon, Tue, Wed. I'm off Thursday and Friday. The office is closed on the 26th in observance of Christmas and I also took the 27th as a vacation day. Then, only 3 days of work next week (Wed-Fri) and another 3 day weekend since our office is also closed on Jan 2nd in observance of New Years Day. Cool beans!

Sleigh bells ring........are you listening..........in the lane.........snow is glistening......

Deck the Halls....and All That Stuff........

2005-12-15T14:55:00.000-08:00

Some inspiration, perhaps?

I need to do more to get me in the spirit of the season.

I'll elaborate later...............

Christmas Carols

2005-12-01T14:20:00.000-08:00

Well, the Christmas carols are in full swing now on two Philly radio stations. All Christmas music, all the time, Philly's #1 radio station - blah, blah, blah. Actually, one of these 2 stations have been airing carols since the end of October. How sick is that?!

But, now that Turkey Day 2005 is history, I am slowly getting on board the Christmas train. I copied a bunch of my holiday CD's into my iTunes and downloaded them into my iPod so I can listen at work. I need to do a bunch more though. I need more variety.

Driving home from the train station after work today, I was trying to think of my favorite holiday tunes. You know, the special ones that make me turn up the radio and sing out loud. The ones that really get me in the mood for the holidays.

Here's the top 5 I came up with (in no particular order):

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas - Burl Ives only
It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year - Andy Williams only
Do You Hear What I Hear? - any version
Gloria -- preferably a choir version
Little Drummer Boy -- any version

So, what are YOUR favorites?

Happy Thanksgiving & a Compliment (of sorts)

2005-11-23T07:22:00.000-08:00

Happy T-Day to all my fellow Bloggers! We have been through alot of ups and downs over the past few months and I think that we should all celebrate with some good food, some fine wine and good company. Ok, for most of us, it would probably be more fun if WE all got together instead of with our various eccentric family members, but we'll have to do our best!

Chris and I did the big grocery shopping trip last night. He was not happy about it since I was home all day, but the weather was crap and I always enjoy taking him with me. He actually likes to go, but if he's tired, he is less than enthused. Anyway, it was relatively painless. We were able to get the size turkey that we wanted and there was practically nobody in the store. Cool beans! I will be making some things ahead of time today - apple pie and sweet potato casserole. No, they are not health-friendly, but Turkey Day is not supposed to be healthy. I don't care what they say in the diet mags.

As for the second half of my post title - a compliment. I wanted to write about this last week when it happened, but just didn't get around to it. I wasn't feeling too well and really today is the first day in almost 2 weeks that I've been able to breathe without coughing. Anywho, Chris and I were eating dinner last Thursday and towards the end of the meal, we were talking a bit. Actually, we do eat dinner together every night and do sit and talk which, I guess, is pretty good. So, I was talking (about what, I do not recall) and I put my arms up in the air and shook them (I guess to emphasize whatever I was saying) and noticed that his eyes were drawn to my flabby arms flapping in the breeze. I immediately put my arms down and told him to stop looking at my fat arms. And, he says "they look smaller". Huh. A compliment. From my husband. Wonders never cease. You have to understand that Chris doesn't do too well in the positive comment arena. He is more of a negative comment person. He really doesn't realize that he does it, but his father is the same way, so I guess that's where he gets it from. At any rate, I'll take whatever support, no matter how small or insignificant, that I can get from him.

I already told Chris that I want to start cleaning out the basement this weekend. He is off from work on Friday (paid holiday) so we are going to take it easy and go to the movies. We'll need the rest after entertaining all day Thursday. Then, we really need to get started on our basement project. He agreed since he wants to get his home gym setup. His doctor told him that he needs to lose 20 lbs to help with his high blood pressure and cholestoral. In fact, he was just complaining last night that he weighed himself and he's 206 lbs. He has never been over 200 lbs since I've known him, but he gets lazy about food as well, plus he's 42 and I guess his metabolism is slowing down.

Yeah, I know -- excuses, excuses.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! See you on the other side!

It's Coming - Are You Ready?

2005-11-12T04:49:00.000-08:00

Ah, Thanksgiving. That one holiday where the family is more or less "required" to get together without the benefit of gift-giving. This year is the 5th year in a row that Chris and I will be hosting Turkey Day Dinner. We started hosting when we bought our house in 2001. It is small, but it is cozy and it seems that everyone has a decent enough time. Good times.

I, personally, love Thanksgiving Day. I have nothing but fond memories surrounding this holiday. I know that everyone watches the Macy's Parade, but Philadelphia has it's own parade which, in my opinion, is much better. The parade is a symbol to Philadelphian's. It is a symbol of tradition and history. There are high school bands from all over the country, floats, celebrities (usually from soaps and Disney), singing, dancing........and then the big finale - Santa & Mrs. Claus arrive amidst hundreds of singing school choirs and walk up the front steps of the Art Museum (yeah, the ones where Rocky ran up back in the 70's). It is all very exciting and still makes me smile and even shed a happy tear. I may now miss bits & pieces of the middle because I'm getting dinner stuff prepared, but I ALWAYS watch the finale. Tradition - I love it.

************************************************************************************

On the food plan front, I've been stuck losing and gaining the same 1.5 pounds for weeks. I managed to get down to 214 awhile back, but I went back up to 215.5 for Saturday weigh-ins (which is my regular weigh-in day) and 217 for Monday weigh-ins (which is my NSB Challenge weigh-in day). I know why I am higher on Mondays - not enough water. I just do not seem to get in enough water on the weekends. I guess it is because I am not strapped to a desk all day. When I am at work, I always have some kind of beverage on my desk - diet soda or iced tea in the AM and water all afternoon. I am moving around so much on the weekends, that I don't think to drink as much. I have to work on that.

I just can not seem to focus on anything anymore. I don't know what is wrong with me. I told Chris last night that I am so frustrated with my behavior and I know that I need to change it, but I just can't seem to break out of it. Like, I do really well on a new plan and lose about 20-25 lbs and then I die out. I will maintain the loss for awhile, but then it will slowly start creeping up again. Or, I will be on an organizing kick and will be really good at keeping the incoming junk mail pile down by going through it every day and then I hit a week where I get home from work late, it all piles up and then I don't feel like organizing anymore.

I can't even focus on having friends. I just don't feel like "playing the game" of being there for people that I've known for most of my life anymore. Relationships are supposed to involve a give and take from both parties. However, since the dinner a few weeks ago, I have been really reflecting on all of my "friendships". I put the word friendship in quotes because I do not feel that any of them are true friends. They are really just "people that I know and get together with occasionally". I talked to Chris about that last night, too. He says that I focus too much on people's negatives and that drives them away. I told him that he's probably right. And, after more careful thought, I probably do that because that is what my mother does - focuses on the negatives. My mother was never a big supporter of what I wanted to do in life. And, since I am not a confrontational person by nature, I just did what she wanted to "keep the peace". Oh, don't get me wrong, there were a few times where I fought back and believe you me, it was not pleasant. If I did things in my life that she did not agree with, she made my life hell. For example, when I moved out of my parents' house at age 21. She said to me that single women who do not live at home are looked at as "loose women". On the day I moved out, my Dad was going to help me & my roommate move our stuff from our respective houses to our new apartment. My mother wakes up that very day and decides that she will be cleaning all of the windows in the house and that she needed my Dad to help her. For once, my Dad told her no. She did not help me set up my new place either. I thought mom's were supposed to help their kids grow in their lives. She still got her comments in even years later. She would tell me that my dad cried for hours on the day that I moved out. Now, I'm sure that he shed some tears. What father wouldn't cry when their only daughter grows up? But, my god mother, get over it. I moved out. You didn't like it. I got it. Move on. I could go on and on, but I'll save that for another post. Reflecting on my relationship with my mother wears me out.

So, as for the friends thing, Chris suggests that I stop waiting for people to reach to me and that I should reach out more to others. I say that they don't reach out to me, so why do I have to make the first move. He says why not. I guess he's right. But don't tell him that I said that ; )

Anyway, I guess I sort of told a little flashback story in this post - cool, I'm finally participating in Jan's fun stuff! And, if a don't post before the big day --

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Comic Relief & Happy Halloween!!

2005-10-30T10:51:00.000-08:00

I came across this video link on another blog. Extremely funny (at least to me!)..........

Click Here!

If you like that one, here's more!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Slug

2005-10-22T05:46:00.000-07:00

God-damnit, I am such a slug.

I don't know what in the hell happened to me this past week, but I feel emotionally like crap this morning especially after stepping on the scale. (I won't bore you with my inappropriate food choices.) I wasn't even going to weigh myself today because I knew that I was having a crappy week. But, I did it anyway. I needed to make myself accountable for my actions and to prove to myself that I am NOT one of those people who can eat everything not nailed down and still lose weight. I am such an idiot.

Ok, I'm done.

I have my own personal challenge (see sidebar) that I set up for myself and I'm going to participate in the NS Bloggers Challenge. All I want to do is lose a stinkin' 15 lbs by Christmas Eve. Is that too much to ask of myself? Apparently, it was too much to ask this week.

So, I'm thinking that I got it all out of my system and will be back on track. My plan is to stick to the NS food for breakfast and lunch. I want to start incorporating "real food" for dinners. The reason is two-fold. First, like everyone else right now, I'm kind of bored with the NS dinners. And, second, I'm feeling sorry for Chris. Since I have been on NS, during the week he's been eating microwaveable, frozen dinners every night. It's not that he can't cook. He's an awesome cook. He just hates cooking for one. Healthwise, he shouldn't been eating those dinners even if they are the SmartOnes and Healthy Choice ones. Too much sodium for his high blood pressure.

Another habit that I (we) have fallen back into is the weekend dinners out - every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It is SO EASY to overeat when I go out to eat. I say that I'm going to exercise portion-control and I do pretty well for awhile and then I hit a skid where I act like it's my last meal ever on this planet. I guess I need to focus on what else is going on in my life when these instances occur. I'm sure that it's an emotional-eating thing.

Exercise is the other bullet on my plan. I quit the gym. I had a membership at a local gym for the past 5 1/2 years, but in the past year, I've only gone a handful of times. It really was a waste of money plus an added stress in my mind (I should go to the gym!) everyday. When I joined, we lived 5 minutes away. We moved and now live 15 minutes away. It doesn't sound like much, but when I go home first (because I hate getting changed at the gym), I just do not feel like leaving again esp during the winter months. It's not really a good reason, but it is my reality. It is what it is.

Last January, I bought an ellipical machine and put it in my basement. I love it. I go down there 2 - 3 times a week for 20-30 minutes. Ok, that's the plan, not the reality.

So, the next project is to clean out the basement and get some weight(s) equipment. Chris wants a weight bench and I'd like to get a set of free weights. He also wants a reclining exercise bike. I'm thinking that if I have a pleasant place to go to every day that is only a flight of stairs away, then I will do it everyday. Maybe not all of it, but some of it.

Sounds do-able.

Some Q & A

2005-10-17T12:02:00.000-07:00

This is another email that was sent around awhile ago. I edited it for my blog. It gives a little bit of insight into my personality. I also have been wanting to make a 100 List like BobEsq, but have not yet gotten around to it. Perhaps this week I can work on it.

1. First Name? Susan
2. Were you named after anyone? Yes, Susan Hayward (a popular actress from the 50's/60's)
3. Do you wish on stars? No
4. When did you last cry? Last night while watching the big reveal on EM:Home Edition
5. Do you like your handwriting? Yes
6. Any bad habits? Overeating, procrastinating
7. What is your most embarrassing CD on the shelf? Yanni
8. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Yes. I am an awesome friend.
9. Are you a daredevil? No way!
10. Do looks matter? I'd like to say no, but then I would be lying.
11. Where is your second home? Work
12. Do you trust others easily? No
13. What was your favorite toy as a child? Stuffed animals
14. What class in school do you think is totally useless? Chemistry
15. Do you have a journal? Yes - this blog.
16. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Yes
17. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? No
18. What are your nicknames? Sue
19. Would you bungee jump? Never!
20. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Yes
21. Do you think that you are strong willed? Yes, except when it comes to losing weight!
22. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate
23. Shoe Size? 9 or 9 1/2 - it depends on the brand of shoe
24. What are your favorite colors? autumn colors
25. What is your least favorite thing? It's a tie: writing out the bills every month & cleaning
26. How many wisdom teeth do you have? None
27. How many people have a crush on you right now? None, I'm sure.
28. What do you miss most right now? My youth
29. What color pants are you wearing? Denim blue
30. What are you listening to right now? The wind in the trees outside my window
31. Last thing you ate? A piece of Hershey's Special Dark chocolate (I know, I'm sorry)
32. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Black
33. What is the weather like right now? Beautiful fall day
34. Last person you talked to on the phone? My hubby
35. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Their smile
36. How are you today? Not too bad -- I'm off from work!
37. Favorite drink? Diet Dr Pepper Cherry Vanilla
38. Favorite alcoholic drink? A good lager esp Yuengling or Sam Adams
39. Favorite Sport? Football - shortest season and easy to watch - Go EAGLES!
40. Hair color? Natural color: brown with some gray; Dyed: medium ash brown
41. Eye color? Dark brown
42. Do you wear contacts? Yes
43. Siblings? 1 brother
44. Favorite month? October -- leaves changing, cooler weather and Halloween!
45. Favorite food? A good cheeseburger
46. Last movie you watched? Shall We Dance
47. Summer or winter? Summer
48. Hugs or kisses? Hugs
49. Living Arrangements? Me, Hubby, 3 cats and a few dust bunnies!
50. What book/magazine are you reading? Just finished the October issue of Redbook
51. What's on your mouse pad? "go blog urself - rosie.com" I got it for free for registering on Rosie O'Donnell's web-blog.
52. Last thing you watched on TV? Grey's Anatomy (love that show)

Feel free to copy and paste to your own blog, if you so desire.

Thinkable Thoughts

2005-10-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

I came across these quotes in an old email and felt like posting them for others to read and ponder................read them carefully and think about each one for a second or two before moving on the next one. I like that I save emails like these. They give me things to think about and, at times, give me inspiration.

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

11. There's always going to be people that hurt you, so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

My NS Progress - 23 Weeks

2005-10-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

Follow Up to Friday's Dinner Out

2005-10-02T12:51:00.000-07:00

Well, things went as expected. Not well.

When I arrived at the restaurant (Chili's), Kris was already there as well as Lisa. They were waiting in the foyer. We all greeted warmly and then Kris went back to her "tale" of weight loss to Lisa. (See, while Barb and I knew about Kris' weight loss, Lisa did not). As I stood there like an idiot waiting for Barb to arrive, I noticed that Kris already had a menu in her hands and a print-out from a website -- Dottie's Weight Loss Zone -- where a woman on Weight Watchers apparently has called or otherwise contacted just about every restaurant in the country to get nutritional information, broke down each food item into WW "points" and then posted the results on a webpage for fellow WW's to use as a "guide" for dining out on the plan. (Wish I had that kind of time!) Finally, Barb arrived and our table was ready.

We sit down and the first thing I say to everyone is "I'm sorry, but I would really like to get a beer. Does anyone mind?" Everyone says "no, go ahead". And I did. Sam Adams Light if you please. I already knew what I was going to get before I got there since I didn't want to make a big production out of reading the menu and trying to figure out what would be most sensible choice for me. Unfortunately, Kris did not have the same forsight. We all had to sit there for 15 minutes while she flipped through the menu, then looked at her print-out, then flipped again through the menu, then looked again at her print-out. Then she asks everyone what they are getting. I'm getting Monterey Chicken with double veggies, Barb is getting a bacon cheeseburger w/fries and a beer, Lisa is getting Chicken Tacos (3 to a plate) with beans & rice. Oh, she says quietly. She orders the Chicken Caesar Salad and diet Coke.

After we placed our order, she continued to look at her print-out and recited to all of us how many points there are in various items on the menu - specifically items that we did not order. She ended her presentation by saying "I won't even tell you how many points there are in what you all ordered!!" Bitch. Barb says "good - I don't want to know." Yay - one for the team!

The rest of the meal was pretty tense and quiet. Kris obviously wanted to continue talking about her weight loss and no one else really wanted to. So she got sullen and non-conversational. During our pre-diet get-togethers, we would talk about family, tv shows, travel, etc. This time she had nothing to say. I asked her how her husband and kids were doing. She said fine. (Note: I think she was a bit peeved because I didn't gush over her about her weight loss. I probably should have, but I just did not have it in me. I think it's great -- but I just did not want to give her reason to monopolize the conversation about it.)

Finally the meal was over. Kris mentioned that we probably won't meet again until January. We try to meet every 3 months. We did not set a date. We usually do. Interesting. Hopefully this ship has finally sunk to the bottom of the ocean.

We parted ways in the parking lot among a bunch of well wishes for a happy holiday and glad to see you again. Kris and Lisa went to one end of the lot-- Barb and I went to the other. I ask Barb if she wanted to stop over my house for a little while to hang out and see my new kitten. (Barb and I have been friends for 17 years; we were roommates for 9 years.) She says "well, the Phillies are on and it's a really important game". I say, "Ok, bye." Whatever. I rarely see her, I invite her over since she's already 1/2 way to my house as it is and she picks fucking baseball over a short visit with an old friend. Um, I have tv's. She can watch the game at my house. Whatever.

So, I stopped at the local Target to pick up the new Sheryl Crow CD (only $10) and cat litter and headed home. (I wanted to get cookies too, but I didn't - small NSV for me!) I told Chris when I got home that I am done. I am not going out to dinner with these girls anymore. It's not worth the time or effort. On the drive home, I was thinking back to past dinners and the conversations. 99% of the time, the conversation was all about Kris. Not once could I recall her asking me how my husband was doing or what I have been doing. She never asked Barb or Lisa if they were dating anyone or travelling anywhere fun. The only thing she ever asked me was "Did you bring the new quarters?" (I can get uncirculated State Quarters as each one is released. She is collecting them for her 4 kids.) That's it - that is all she asks.

Whatever. I'm done.

Perhaps I am too harsh. But I need to move forward in my life and these dinners are pulling me backwards. They are not fun and I really do not have anything in common with them anymore. Not even Barb. It is sad. But it is life.

We'll see what happens in January.

The Ugly Green Monster

2005-09-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

The ugly, green monster called Jealousy is rising from the depths of my emotions yet again today.

I am meeting the "girls" for dinner tonight. The four of us get together every few months (see earlier post). I say the "girls" and not "friends" because really only one of them - Barb - is a friend. The other two - Kris and Lisa - are just people that Barb and I met in an exercise class at the local Y about 10 years ago. (see earlier post - again)

Anyway, Barb called me last night to tell me that she is taking a new class with Kris and to be prepared because she has lost a ton of weight and is now a "skinny bean". Well, not exactly a "skinny bean", but much thinner than she was when I last saw her in May.

Enter the ugly, green monster.

Well, I'm glad that Barb called me ahead of time to prepare me so I don't "wear my emotions on my sleeve" all night. I have a tendency to do that. I try not to, but I can't seem to stop it. I just never was one of those people who could smile and congratulate another person while silently seething and/or crying inside. I suck.

I really am happy for her weight loss. But, this is like the 4th time around for her and every…….time……. she……loses…….weight, she has to talk about it -- what she's doing, how she's doing it, what her husband thinks about it, what her father thinks about it, how she's going to keep it off this time -- yada, yada, yada. UGH!! I wish she talked about being fat as much as she talks about being skinny. She is going to monopolize the entire conversation for the evening and keep the topic on weight loss. I would really much rather talk about something else. I HATE talking about weight. Maybe I'll get a beer just to piss her off (she doesn't drink alcohol).

I really do not know why I put myself through this. I guess I do it to spend some time with Barb plus it only takes up about 90 minutes of my time every 3-4 months.

I will update tomorrow………………..

Thanks, Bob -- 6 Things.....

2005-09-27T08:07:00.000-07:00

6 Things I Want To Do:
1. Own my own business
2. Travel across the USA in a RV
3. Travel across Europe
4. Inspire someone
5. Have a baby
6. Be comfortable in my own skin

6 Things I Can Do:
1. Inspire someone
2. Own my own business (if I try really, really hard)
3. Read a map
4. Give really good directions to places
5. Be comfortable in my own skin (when I let myself!)
6. Bake awesome Christmas cookies

6 Things I Can’t Do:
1. Throw a ball more than a foot
2. Play sports of any kind
3. See anything more than 2 inches from my face without my glasses on or contacts in
4. Drive a stick shift
5. Say the word "veterinary" without thinking about it before I say it
6. Watch sword or other knife-type fights in movies - just can not do it!

6 Things That Make Me Attractive To The Opposite Sex:
1. My listening skills
2. My dark brown eyes
3. My wackiness
4. My weirdness
5. I am low maintenance
6. My generosity

6 Things I Say All The Time:
1. "Whatever"
2. "I don't care"
3. "C'mon Vern" (I only really say this to my hubby and he hates it!)
4. "This place sucks!" (about work, of course)
5. "Hey Kids!" (to my 3 cats when I get home from work)
6. "Hon!!" (also to my hubby when I want to get his attention)

6 Celebrity Crushes:
1. Colin Firth
2. Rob Lowe
3. David Boerneaz
4. Johnny Depp
5. Jon Bon Jovi
6. Jennifer Aniston (I know, I know -- it's not really a crush. I just really think that she seems like a really cool person to know.)

6 Strangers That I've Tagged:
Ok, everyone I read has already been tagged. So, if you are new and comment, then consider yourself tagged!

Happy Birthday to Me!

2005-09-02T22:29:00.000-07:00

Today is my 38th birthday. For 38 years I have been on this planet. Number of years left on said planet - unknown. I am not the type of person that begins announcing the number of shopping days left until my birthday. Believe me, I know a few of this type. I usually keep it on the down-low and hope that maybe I'll get a "surprise" birthday wish from someone I never thought in a million years would remember that it is my birthday. Hence, this day always makes me feel a variety of emotions - hopeful, appreciative, embarrassed, lonely and depressed.

The purpose of this blog was to document my thought processes while trying to make sense out of my life paths. While most of it has been related to my weight loss efforts, I have been making other minor "breakthroughs" in other areas:

1. Career: this avenue has not improved much in recent months. In fact, it has become worse. I just do not care about the work anymore. I was always the employee that tried to learn everything that I could in order to be the best that I could be on the job. I would work through issues and/or problems and then try to pass along any insight I may have to other parties. But, the bottom line is, quite simply, I do not care anymore. I go to work, I try to get through the day with minimal incident and then come home.

I came upon an blurb in my local newspaper about a certificate program at the local community college (the same one where I completed my degree) titled "Starting a Successful Woman-Owned Business" and the details of an open house about the program. I clipped the blurb and put it aside. The next day, my partner was off so that meant I would be starting my workday at 6:30am (by getting up at 4:15am) and would have to stay until, if all went well, 5:00pm. Well, all did not go well. Problems ensued and I didn't get to leave until 7:05pm (arrival at home at 8:30pm since I commute by train). My reaction -- instead of getting frustrated and pissy, I registered for the open house. It was free - what did I have to lose.

The open house was last week. It is a 2-part program. Part one is 4 weeks long and part 2 is 8 weeks long. I must complete part 1 to the satisfaction of the instructor in order to advance to part 2. I signed up that night. It is time. I need to know if my entrepeneurial idea will work in the real world. This is the only way to find out. It was like an opportunity smacked me in the face and I had to react to it.

2. Family: Not too much new on this front. Chris and I worked through a bunch of issues that I had to get off my chest. Issues that I thought would break us, but only made us more resolved to be dedicated to each other. This breakthrough has made me more aware of my actual desire to start a family. While one child will probably be all that we can have, who knows - maybe there will be two.

3. Weight: 19 weeks - down 22 lbs. I wish it was more, but only I can make that happen. I have a 1000 excuses but none of them are valid. But, this has all been well documented right here in recent months. I won't bore you with reiteration.

So, as I embark on my 39th year on this planet, in this great country called the U.S. of A., I'd like to jot down a few things that I'd like to see change with me. There are the obvious wishes: more money and more time, but these things seem more attainable to me:

To be a better person to myself
To be a better wife
To be a better daughter & sister
To be a better friend
To possibly become a mother
To be a better citizen
To lose many more pounds of weight
To exercise more
To be more assertive
To be more positive
To be more ambitious
To be more forgiving - of others and of myself
To read more
To watch tv less
To organize more
To procrastinate less
To live life instead of trudging through it

Happy Birthday to Me!! I took off from work, Chris got home early (with balloons!) and we spent the afternoon together, my Mom called me and I got more than a few birthday emails and cards. I had a nice dinner (non-NS, of course!) and then went out for dairy farm birthday ice cream.

It was a good day.

Thanks, Sheryl -- My Viewpoints

2005-08-30T14:39:00.000-07:00

1. What is the ratio of sexy panties to granny panties currently in your possession?

100% granny panties. Sad, yet true. Bottom line - I like comfort. I have always worn them. Didn't bother Chris when we were dating - doesn't bother him now! I guess I'm lucky.

2. Pretend you won one of those "make your dream come true" deals that Oprah is always giving away. What would you ask for?

A vacation home at the beach - preferably someplace north like Martha's Vineyard. I would say world peace, but if Oprah can't handle that one on her own with her resources, I'm sure I won't do much good either.

3. Describe your high school days in one word.

Outcast. I went to a co-ed Catholic high school. I wasn't one of the prettiest and I managed to stay in AP classes (ugly w/brains - not the best combo in high school). I wouldn't go back for all the money in the world.

4. If you could shag any celebrity in the world, who would be your top three picks?

1) Colin Firth (I am so excited that Amanda picked him too!)
2) Rob Lowe
3) David Boreanaz

5. If you had all the money in the world, more than you could ever spend in four lifetimes, would you eat some??

NO!! I work at the Federal Reserve Bank in the Cash Division and have seen some downright NASTY things on money. I would not suggest EVER putting money in your mouth.

6. Tag Three People:
Bob: This Bob's World REVISION FOR #1 -- Boxers or Briefs?
Sophia: Sophia's Spot
I think everyone else has been tagged! At least everyone that I read!

Sick of This Crap!

2005-08-20T23:05:00.000-07:00

I am totally sick of being "on program". I hate, hate, hate this so-called love affair that I have with my scale. I call it a love affair because I keep getting screwed every week when I step on the g-damn thing. It f**ks with me every time. Gain - no change - lose weight that was gained - no change - gain - no change - lose weight that was gained, ETC, ETC, ETC!

So, today I threw it all away (don't worry, not my NS food). I threw away all common sense and I got it out of my system. Chris and I went to the movies this afternoon with another couple (saw The 40-year-old Virgin - highly recommend - laughed my ass off (does that count as exercise?)) and ate a movie-sized package of M&M's with a regular Coke. Then, we went out to dinner at LongHorn Steakhouse - ate the Renegade (seemed appropriate) - an 8 oz. top sirloin with a sweet potato (covered in butter/cinnamon) along with a few bites of Texas Cheese Fries and a tomato & onion salad (included bleu cheese crumbles (which I ate) and balsamic vinigarette dressing (which I did not eat)) and washed it all down with an unsweetened iced tea. Then, we came home, watched Big Brother and then went to the local dairy farm for fresh ice cream - one scoop of rum raisin in a cup, if you please - thank you very much.

The scary part is that I do not feel one bit sick physically from all the high-calorie, sugar-laden foods. I think if I felt just a wee bit ill then I wouldn't be so tempted to repeat my day. If anything, I feel better - my all week headache is gone and feel no pressure to watch my weight. I know that this is not good to say the least.

My evil nemeses Discouragement & Disappointment are slowing rearing their ugly monster faces into my focus and I am having an extremely difficult time - once again - fighting them back.

4 months - 22 lbs

I should be at least at the 30 lb mark by now. What is my g-damn problem? Is it the stress of my job? Is it the stress of my marriage? Is it the stress of my family? Is it the high expectations that I place upon myself that I feel I'm not living up to? Is it because my birthday is in 2 weeks and I'm another year older and still fat?

Anyway, I did what I did today with no regrets. I do not like to say that "I was bad" today because I feel that it just places negatives on my actions. I may not have been wise, but I was not bad. Bad is stealing or cheating on your spouse or intentionally hurting someone. Unwise is eating not-so-good-for-you food.

I may be wrong to rationalize it this way, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

You Mean I Don't Have to Be a Size 4?

2005-08-09T07:23:00.000-07:00

I read this article on the Web today. I like the idea that a size 14 is considered a "good size" for women.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Big Advantage For Curvy Women
Curvaceous, voluptuous women are more likely to live longer than their slimmer friends. For good looks and good health, the feminine ideal really should be an hourglass figure with well-defined hips. Think Catherine Zeta-Jones and Sophia Loren.

It turns out that those wide hips help protect women against potentially fatal heart conditions, according to researchers from the Institute of Preventative Medicine in Copenhagen. Why? Hip fat appears to contain a beneficial natural anti-inflammatory protein hormone called adiponectin that actually prevents arteries from swelling up and becoming blocked, report the BBC News and the Manchester Evening News. Here's the magic number: Your hips need to measure 40 inches with a dress size of 14 for the most benefit.

The results: Compared to the group of women with the smallest hip circumferences, women with the biggest were found to have an 87 percent reduction in deaths, reports the BBC News. The curvier women also had an 86 percent reduced risk of developing coronary heart disease and a 46 percent reduction in the risk of cardiovascular disease. Sorry, guys. This benefit is for ladies only. (Sorry, Bob!) Large hip circumference was not found to offer better heart health for men. "It seems that the protection is not a matter of wide hips, it's the detrimental effect of narrow hips with a lack of muscle fat, or bone or a combination of both," study leader Berit Heitmann told the BBC. "Fat on hips is different than fat on the abdomen. If you do not have enough of this fat, you may risk heart attacks."

The classic apple shape where the fat is located in the belly area really can be dangerous to your health since fat cells produce chemicals that can change the insulin system. That in turn raises the risk of diabetes and heart disease.

How Weird Am I?

2005-08-04T04:24:00.000-07:00

I saw this on Edith's blog, tried it and then promptly laughed myself silly!

You Are 20% Weird

Not enough to scare other people...
But sometimes you scare yourself.

How Weird Are You?

My New Kittie - Lucy

2005-07-30T06:26:00.000-07:00

Introducing Lucy!! She's 7 weeks old and the cutest damn thing I've seen in a very long time. Of course my other two monsters - Charlie & Berzerk - are not thrilled, but they'll come around.

New Blogs in Sidebar

2005-07-23T11:56:00.000-07:00

I added some new blog sites in my sidebar.

Some are long overdue to add since they have already added my blog address to their own sites.

Happy Reading!

Jealousy

2005-07-23T06:31:00.000-07:00

I absolutely HATE when I feel jealous of other people. It is a big weakness for me. I know that I should be happy for others when things are going their way, but sometimes I just can't hide my disappointment in myself for not accomplishing the same goals.

A friend of mine, Kris, called me last night. I call her a friend although we rarely talk on the phone. We exchange emails occasionally and get together with two other girls once every 3 months for dinner. Ironically, the 4 of us met at an aerobics class at the local Y back in the mid-90's. We would go out for a "treat" at the end of every 12-week session. Kris was the instructor of the class. The rest of us were participants. As each session passed, we would get to know each other a little bit better. Well, Kris started having babies so she stopped teaching the class and the rest of us just stopped going. We've all moved in separate directions, but we still manage to get together every 3-4 months for a dinner out. Anyway, enough background.

Kris called me last night to ask me a question and we got to chatting about other things. Now, mind you, we've all gained a bit of weight since the Y days, but Kris gained the most esp since she had 4 babies in the past 8 years. Back between her 1st & 2nd kids, she went on Atkins and lost a bunch of weight. Now, of course she was proud of it and showed it, but hey I would be too. But I was jealous. Then, she got pregnant again and gained all the weight plus more and, I hate to say it, I was relieved. More so because I wouldn't have to hear about Atkins anymore. So, every time we were so supposed to get together, I dreaded it because I wasn't sure if she was doing some kind of diet and lost a bunch of weight and here I am gaining & gaining. But she wasn't losing any weight and apparently wasn't even trying. She just didn't feel like trying. The last time we got together (June) she announced that she was yet again dieting, was going to Weight Watchers, had been on the plan for 7 weeks and had lost 29 lbs so far. I wanted to cry. At that point, I had been NS for about 6 weeks and had only lost 15 lbs. I didn't say anything about what I was doing because I don't want to talk about it - I just want to wait until people start noticing. So the remainder of the meal, all she talked about was WW and points and how easy it is, blah, blah, blah. AND, she wasn't even exercising that much!!

Anyway, as we were chatting last night, I avoided the subject of weight all together because I really did not want to hear about how much more she lost esp since I've been plateauing for about 3 weeks now. Doesn't she bring it up anyway?! Indirectly, of couse, but the subject arose anyway. Now, she's lost 46 lbs in 3 months!! I've lost 20.5 lbs in 3 months. Since the main point of the conversation was about a health scare she had recently that she thinks was brought on by the "sudden weight loss" she's had, I didn't really have to comment on the weight loss part of the story. I wished her luck on the health procedure and hoped that the call would end soon. Thankfully it did.

I was sooooooo ANGRY with myself when I got off of the phone with her. She did nothing wrong and yet I wanted to hate her. All she did was lose more than twice as much weight as me in the same time frame. Then I was mopey and sat my large ass on the sofa all night and watched TV and ate crap - a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and some pretzels - and then went to bed. I got up and weighed myself this morning and gained a pound. I'm such a stupid bitch!

I know what needs to be done. So why don't I JUST DO IT!?

Explanation & NSV

2005-07-15T07:29:00.000-07:00

Explanation
Some readers may be a bit confused as to why I have two different weights posted in my sidebar. Or, perhaps most readers don't even read it nor even care to read it. But, at any rate, I feel the need to explain.

My NS weigh-in day is Saturdays. When the NS Challenge started, I was asked to supply my weight on a Friday. I know that one day should not make that much of a difference, but it did. I like to weigh myself in the morning. For the challenge, I weighed myself at night. I ALWAYS weigh heavier at night. Today is challenge weigh day. I am off from work so I weighed myself this morning (which is the same weight as my NS weight last week - hence probably no change for NS week 12) . We'll see if tomorrow's weight for NS weigh-in day is any less than today. Probably not, but you never know. (Have quite a bit of water weight this week)

NSV
This seems to be the week for NSV's. I also had one on Wednesday. Hmm, what was it about Wednesday this week - was it a full moon?? I ran into a friend from work who I haven't seen in about a month. We work in different departments and have different hours. Anyway, I was on my way to the company cafeteria to get some fruit for breakfast and she was on her way out. We stopped to chat for a few minutes. I was mid-question to her when she blurts out (she blurts alot - she's very blunt) "you've lost weight - you look good". Now, she doesn't know that I'm dieting (I hate that word, but it works for this story), so this was my first REAL NSV comment! I don't know how to describe how I felt. Embarassed & shy at first - I didn't want to react in the wrong way (see previous post on Compliments). So, I shrugged and said "yeah, I've lost a few" and continued with my conversation. We chatted a bit more and then she said it AGAIN, but added on "how are you doing it?" So I told her that I was following NS, but she really didn't know what I was talking about. If it's not about sports or cats, she really has no clue what's going on around her. She just replied, "you look good" then "I wish I could lose some" and then proceeded to complain about how she can't lose weight. I truly feel bad for her because she used to be very athletic and was always very trim and in shape. She could eat whatever she wanted and drink beer every weekend and never had to worry about it. But she took a bad fall a few years ago and messed up her back pretty bad so she was really restricted in her movements and hence put on quite a bit of weight. She still can't play sports, but she still eats the same way and can't understand why she can't lose the weight. I feel for her, I really do - but she's a hard-headed, depressed, "woe-is-me" kind of person, so whatever I say won't be heard anyway. I can only lead by example on this one. She is also friends with my buddy, Russ, who is also doing NS (down 23 lbs so far! Yeah, Russ!) so perhaps between the 2 of us, she will be inspired. I can only hope so.

Overall, it wasn't too bad of a week. I was a bit down early in the week. I'm only 1/2 lb away from 20 lbs and it seems like it took FOREVER to get the first 20 off. I'm still in the 200's, but I'm only 1.5 lbs away from the weight I was 2 years ago before I started Weight Watchers (I started WW at 217). It is so easy to get discouraged and bored with watching every....single.....solitary.....bite....that....goes....into.....my......mouth. I want to be able to eat and not think about it. I'm finishing up on my 12th week and figure my average has been about 6 lbs per month. It seems slow. I keep saying in my head "slow and steady wins the race, slow and steady wins the race".

Ok, I'm done. Thanks for reading.

2005-07-08T17:48:00.000-07:00

BRING IT ON, BABY!
I'm ready for the challenge and I wanna win the prize pot, too!!!

Day One: 07/08/05

Day One Weight: 220.5
End-of-Challenge Goal: 199

Total Loss Desired: 21.5

Total Days: 83

Total Days Completed: 0

Not Good. Not Good At All.

2005-07-04T17:16:00.000-07:00

We got back from Rehoboth Beach, DE today and I would have to say that I was not successful in keeping on-plan for the past 3.5 days. I have, though, successfully determined that I am unable to make wise food decisions when vacationing with three people who should really be making the same food decisions as I, but have not yet chosen to do so.

My holiday weekend started out very well. NS granola bar with fat-free yogurt and orange juice on Friday morning. It was all downhill from there.

In a nutshell, the weekend went something like this.

Friday: Wendy’s fast food is first. I went with the single hamburger with cheese and side Caesar salad and diet Coke. Not too, too bad. Cheese not wise, but only used about ¼ of the Caesar dressing on side salad which was good.

Next up: Nicola’s Pizza in Rehoboth Beach. Menu states that all ingredients are fresh with fat-free dough. Ok, looks promising. We got a large, plain for everyone. I added a side salad with dressing on the side and an unsweetened iced tea. The men also got a stromboli and French fries (which menu states are cooked in cholesterol-free oil). Ok, not entirely horrible except I ate a second slice of pizza when I KNEW that I was already full. Not wise.

And, finally, I had a Kohr Brothers chocolate soft-serve (small dish) to top off the day (this could’ve been way-worse if I had added the chocolate jimmies which I really, really wanted).

Saturday: Our hotel gave us $5.00/per person coupons for breakfast. Ok, good deal. We head down to the hotel café. I decided on the Don’s Casserole since it was listed under the “healthy options” section of the menu. I don’t know who Don is, but I’d love to see what he looks like. Don’s Casserole consisted of a “bed” of potatoes, bacon, sausage, ham and cheddar cheese topped with scrambled eggs and 2 slices of toast. Oh yeah, and it came with a small fruit cup. I guess that’s were the “healthy option” came into play. So, I ate ½ of the eggs, 1 slice of cheese-covered bacon and 3 small hunks of the sausage. I gave the rest to Chris (my DH) and ate my fruit cup. Even the waiter said it was way too much food for one person. Go figure.

Anyway, breakfast laid like a rock in my stomach all day until about 4:00 when I started to feel some grumbling happening. While my 3 friends chowed down on funnel cakes, I opted for some fat-free pretzel nuggets (it was the best I could get at the corner store). And, I have to say, I felt damn proud of myself for not even having one bite of the funnel cake.

Several hours after the funnel cake extravaganza & long naps (except for me), everyone decides that they should eat dinner (I’m basically starved at this point). Dos Locos for Mexican, they say. Ok, I say. I should’ve said no. I started off with a Yuengling Lager (beer) on draft and my share of tortilla chips and salsa. I ordered the sirloin fajitas which consisted of a sliced 7oz sirloin with green peppers and onions with a side of diced tomatoes, shredded cheddar cheese, refried beans, Mexican rice and sour cream all to be combined in 3 flour tortilla wraps. I should have had one. I ate two. However I did skip the rice and beans, but just had to have the cheese and sour cream. I did wash it all down with water though instead of a second beer.

For the finale: one Smirnoff Black Cherry vodka cooler. I felt like a slug.

Sunday: We again had breakfast in the hotel café. I picked pancakes and bacon this time. I was deceived again. I picked the pancakes because I had seen them on other diners' plates the previous day. There were 3-3” round pancakes on the plates. Well, I get my plate and each pancake is about a 9” round. There were three of them. I wanted to die. Apparently, what I saw the previous day was the kid's plate. So I ate one pancake and the bacon. I stopped when I started to feel full. Good idea, huh?

So, we all head down to the beach because it’s a beautiful 80-degree day with a light breeze. After we’re down there for a few hours, someone suggests lunch. The three amigos want pizza again. Oh lordy. Since I don’t want to draw attention to myself and don’t want to make the others uncomfortable, I say “Sure!” I had 2 small slices of plain pizza, about 6 fries (which were horrible), diet Coke and then a 32-oz bottle of water. Later, back at the hotel, I had a few of the pretzel nuggets and another cooler.

Around 7:00, we head down to the Ram’s Head Tavern for dinner. I scoured the menu and decided on the crab melt which was basically a broiled crab cake on an English muffin topped with tomato and cheese. I also got a garden salad with dressing on the side. However, I neglected to notice that the melt came with fries, so there they were gleaming on the plate. I ate the crab cake with tomato & cheese minus the English muffin and the salad. I had a few of the fries. Ok I had more than a few, but I didn’t finish the whole pile. I rounded out the meal again with unsweetened iced tea.

We all then headed back down to the beach for fireworks. They would have been nice except for the dope-head, drunken loser family that decided to plop down right in front of us. Now I know that fireworks are in the sky, but these people would NOT sit down and shut up and everyone is compacted on the beach under blankets because the wind coming off of the water was moist and freezing. So, Loser Dad comes back with a pizza for everyone (I know, beach towns eat a lot of pizza!), plops the pie down on the blanket, starts yelling at the kids for getting sand (duh!) all over the blanket, throws (yes throws) his cigarette butt right at the 4 of us and almost gets into a fist fight with my friend’s husband since Loser Dad threw his cigarette right next to my friend’s blanket almost igniting it in the process. God Bless America.

Since it was our last night, we all wanted ice cream. Yes, after the spectacle I witnessed earlier, even I wanted ice cream. I opted for a small tiny cup (one normal-sized scoop) of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream. I was in heaven. Overall, it was the best, not-so-great food item I had all weekend. Oh wait, except for the Smirnoff coolers!

Another July 4th holiday is over and I am back to work tomorrow and back on NS full-time. I’d like to say that I enjoyed my non-NS food experience this past weekend, but I’d be lying.

Lessons learned:
1. Americans are unhealthy and fat.
2. Restaurant owners do not know what a “healthy option” really is.
3. Restaurant owners do not know what a reasonable portion size is.
4. Choosing to be healthy is hard.
5. Succumbing to the food desires of others is easy.
6. Putting myself first is not easy for me.
7. Food indulgences will happen and I should not feel guilty about them.
8. I want to be healthy – AND happy!
9. I want to be able to indulge on vacation and not feel bad about it.
10. Even “skinny” people gain weight on vacation.

I have not weighed myself yet. I checked my weight before I left on Friday morning. I stayed at the same weight that I posted on 06/25/05 (220 lbs). I haven’t decided if I really want to know how much I gained. I think I do.

I have to be accountable for my choices.

Happy Birthday USA!

07/05/05 UPDATE: I weighed myself this morning and only gained 1/2 lb this weekend! I'm totally impressed with myself, but I have to make sure that this doesn't give me license to eat like this all the time. ~Sue

Gettin' Outta Town!

2005-06-30T19:07:00.000-07:00

As I sit here reading blogs, I'm also listening to the LiveAid concert which is airing on my local PBS station. Right now, Tina Turner and Mick Jagger are on singing "It's Only Rock 'n' Roll" and I'm flashing back to July 1985. Wow. In July 1985, I was fresh out of high school and ready to face the world. God I feel old. Like "they" say, if I knew then what I know now..............

As my profile correctly states, I live in Hatfield, PA. Hatfield, PA is located about 35 miles northwest (40 min) of downtown Philadelphia, PA. I commute to Philly every day for work. Summer is always interesting especially if you love to people-watch like I do. See, my building is directly across the street from the new National Constitution Center, 2 blocks up from Independence Hall & the Liberty Bell, 2 blocks over from Betsy Ross's house and 1 block over from Ben Franklin's grave. Cool, huh? And, now, just like 20 years ago, Philly is in the international spotlight again for Live 8. Perhaps you've heard of it.

All I can say is -- I'm getting the hell outta town!

All the Philly natives are leaving the city this weekend. We're all heading "down the shore" (which means driving to the New Jersey and/or Delaware beach towns). Hubby and I are heading to Rehobeth Beach, DE tomorrow and staying until Monday morning. I'm a bit nervous. This is my first overnight getaway since starting NS and I'm looking at 3 full days of eating "on my own". I have been eating out occasionally while on NS, but not every meal. Yikes. I hope I make the right choices and stay within the right portions. I guess all I can do is my best.

Happy July 4th Weekend! We all deserve a 3-day break from the daily grind. And, if you're heading to Philly for Live8, have a blast - Philly Rocks!

Compliments – Positive or Negative?

2005-06-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

I don’t accept compliments very well. As a matter of fact, I was never very good at accepting a compliment. I usually feel that the issuer of the compliment is “just trying to make me feel better” and doesn’t really mean it. I guess I have to work on that.

My husband is out of town this weekend. He and my dad went to some kind of Ford Thunderbird car show in Carlisle, PA. He asked me to go, but quite frankly, I’d rather put hot needles in my eyes than go to a car show. But that’s a whole other story………

Anyway, when he called to say hi, I asked how he and Dad were getting along and was Dad “probing” him with questions about me. (My Dad is constantly thinking that I’m keeping things from him). They were getting along great and yes, Dad mentioned that he was concerned about my health, specifically my weight. Chris told him that I was concerned also and was in the process of “doing something about it” and doing pretty well at it, too.

Next day, I relay this conversation to my friend and co-worker and she promptly says to me “You look great! You’re practically anorexic!” Enter doubts about her sincerity. I mean come on, anorexic??? Me??? I tell her “thanks for the compliment” but “she’s way wrong since I am still way over 200 lbs.” She thinks I’m lying. Go figure.

So, later, I’m thinking about how I “handled” the compliment thing and decide that I still need to work on it a bit more. Somehow, I always manage to make the person feel like crap and wonder why they even said anything in the first place. It doesn’t matter what the compliment is. Usually it’s about my hair (which, incidentally, my mom never likes). But, sometimes it’s about my ability to do something, or about how I always seem to find the perfect gift for somebody. And, while I feel great about it later, I feel so uncomfortable about it when it happens that I blurt out something really stupid and negative almost like a deflection or block.

Maybe I don’t believe that I deserve to be complimented.

Why is that?

What Paths Must I Change, You Ask?

2005-05-31T16:55:00.000-07:00

There are three main areas of my life that need to change:

My Health
I am fat. There is no better way to say it. I could try pleasantly plump, large-sized, plus-sized, slightly overweight, big-boned, etc. Bottom line: I am fat. I have been fat most of my adult life. I am an emotional eater. Stressed - I eat. Happy - let's go out to eat! Sad - I need some junk food to eat. Angry - what can I eat? I only came to the realization that emotions guide my eating in recent years. In the past, I just ate because I liked food. Period. My smallest size ever was size 7 in my junior year of high school. My largest size ever is size 20 which is now. While I could squeeze all 238 lbs of me into a size 18, that was only because I stretched them out to a size 20 with my fat. My first battle with stress was when I was planning for my wedding. Most girls lose weight - of course, I was the opposite. Then, marriage. The first year sucked and the pounds packed on. The rest is a roller coaster of ups and downs with the scale until May 2005 when I finally put on the brakes. I felt like crap. My clothes were too tight. My panties were pinching my inner thighs. My breasts were getting lumpy and ached all the time. Cramps were unbearable every month. I was falling apart in front of my own eyes and didn't see it. Well, I've finally seen it and I don't like it!

Time to diet.............

Weight Watchers - hate it! Count points, cheat on points, have a stranger weigh you then criticize your for only losing 1/4 pound and then demand to see your food diary to see where you went wrong. Not happening for me.

LA Weight Loss - ok until you plateau. I actually liked this program. They guaranteed that I would lose 75 lbs in 7 months. Pay up front, then buy supplemental bars every week. Weigh in 3x a week. Unfortunately the guarantee only is valid if you come into the center 3x a week. Who's got that kind of time? Lost 4 lbs the first 4 days. Ok, this will work - not. Plateaued at a 28 lb loss. Guess what the "counselor" says to me - I don't know what else to tell you - you must be doing something wrong. So I just stopped going. A year later someone from the center calls me to ask me how my maintenance was going. Idiots. I never called them back (even though I really wanted to give them shit for their crappy counselors).

On my own - ok as long as you live with someone who also wants to lose weight. This is self-explanatory.

NutriSystem - this is the first pre-packaged food program that I've ever tried. I love it! (see link at right) Portion-control is key and overeating is my biggest problem esp when I'm emotional. This plan has taught me the right-sized meals to eat as well as when & what to eat to be healthy. It has taught me to stop and listen to what is really going on in my mind and body before opening my mouth. All in all, a positive experience. Down 14 lbs in 5 weeks. Not bad considering it took me 3 months to lose 10 lbs on WW.

My Life's Work
My job sucks. Yes, I know that everyone feels that way and that I'm probably not unique, but I had to say it anyway. Ok, I make a decent wage and, for the most part, I'm good at what I do. But therein lies my problem. Being good at what you do apparently is license for others to take advantage of you. And, yes I know that that is also my fault. But, unfortunately, I am one of those people in the grand scheme of things that nothing ever seems to change no matter what I say or do to try. I speak my mind - get the acknowledging nod and then the speech about how I am right, "but there's really nothing I can do about it right now. We are in a transitional period. Can you wait until the dust settles?" Whatever. I need to move on. After 16+ years of being the "clean-up crew" for all the other idiots that never bother, I'm done. The satisfaction of a job well done has disappeared and my creativity and enthusiasm has disappeared right along with it.

My plan is simple. Do something creative and inspiring. What is my favorite hobby that I never seem to have time or motivation to do anymore? Needlework. The thrill of picking a pattern, selecting fabric and threads and watching the pattern come to life with my own hands is beyond description. And I want to share it with others. I want to provide the tools for inspiration. I want to do this in the form of a small needlework supply shop (see link at right). I've been in the process of making this venture a reality for almost 3 years, but there always seems to be something inside of me stopping me. I am at the edge but for some reason do not have the courage to take the final steps. Fear, I guess. Fear of what? Failure? Security? Self-respect? Respect of others? I'll let you know when I know.

Children or No Children?
I am 37 years old. I will be 38 on September 2nd. My husband is 42 years old. We have been married for 7 years. This is my first marriage. This is his second. He has a 21 year old daughter and a 5 month old grand-daughter. Unfortunately, life decisions have caused a divide between him and his daughter and they no longer speak. He has never seen his grand-daughter other than a few photos of her on the day she was born sent via other family members. It bothers me that they do not speak. According to her, it is because of me or rather because her father re-married. She was 14 when we were married. I thought old enough to know that I was not replacing her father's affections. Apparently I was wrong - and did not know this until last year. I never had a clue. She was a very good actress.

My parents desperately want a grandchild. I don't blame them. My father is 65 years old and my mother is 63 years old. They are both retired and live in a 55+ community where the main topic of discussion is grandchildren. I'm sure that they thought they would be grandparents by now. They didn't know that their oldest wouldn't get married until she was 30. And, they didn't know that their youngest would be on the verge of divorce during the first 5 years of his marriage. Life throws curveballs.

When I was in my 20's and single, I decided that I didn't want to have a child. I was scared and felt that I wouldn't be able to handle it. Then I met my husband and I still felt that I didn't want a child. I told him that I wanted to wait until at least our 5th anniversary before discussing the possibility. Since he already had a daughter, he was in no rush. Well, now it is 7 years later and now I'm "on the fence" about it. He's all for it and constantly tell me that "it's all you" that's holding back the decision.

My age scares me. His age scares me. We will be in our late 50's early 60's when he/she turns 20 years old. Childbirth scares me. I hate pain. I hate the idea of a needle penetrating my spine to aleviate the pain. I hate the idea of a 8-9 lb object ejecting from a 1-inch hole in my body. I hate that they might have to cut me. I hate that I will get fat again.

But, I love that I would have a part of me on this planet. I love that a piece of me would live on after I am gone. I love that I would be an ancestor to someone in the future. I love babies.

I am at a crossroads. Life paths need to be chosen. You asked. Well maybe you didn't, but I told you anyway.

2005-05-04T15:36:00.000-07:00

Me & Chris (DH) - Sept 2002
Posted by Hello

May 4, 2005 Wow!

2005-05-04T14:45:00.000-07:00

Who woulda thought that just by not eating like a pig would help me to lose weight, huh? Week one is over and I'm down 8.5 lbs. Yeah, ME!

I found out yesterday that a friend of mine, Russ, has also started the NS program. He just started on Monday. I was so excited! We work together so I'll have a "buddy" at the office. I'm also so proud of him. He's been overweight for as long as I've known him - about 16 years - and I'm glad that he's finally addressing the issue seriously. He's such a great guy and he deserves to be happy! But enough about him!

Chris (my DH) & I got into a big fight about what he call "the food issue" this past Sunday. See, we got tickets to see the Dali exhibit at the Philly Museum of Art for 12:30pm. Now, the tickets were bought well before I started NS, so of course this was not the best time of day. I had my breakfast and brought along a "lunch bar" which I consumed in about 3 seconds with a bottle of water at about 2:30pm. So on our way home (which is about 45 mintues), Chris starts complaining that he's "melting" and needs to eat something and promptly suggests "let's go to Friendly's". I wanted to kill him.

So, I'm thinking in my head that it's not his fault that I'm 75+ lbs overweight (although I'm not the one taking high blood pressure & cholestoral pills) so I'll just go with him and then eat later at home. It was very hard. He gets this big burger supermelt with fries and I got a garden salad. Now technically the salad is the appropriate portion, but damn I was hungry. Anyway, I couldn't even LOOK at the burger or else I was going to cry. Of course, his burger comes with a free sundae, but he declines to get it (I guess he figured he was doing me a favor by not eating ice cream in front of me). We pay the check and I just walk out.

On the way home, he says "what's wrong?" and I say "nothing". He says "it's the food issue, isn't it?". All I say is that when I told him 2 weeks ago that I was starting NS, I would not be going out to eat for awhile. And, while it will suck, it won't be forever - just until I can re-learn how to control my food portions. He said that it was no problem and that the "going out to eat" was my thing and that would much rather stay home and cook. So, what happens? The first weekend - Friday he brings home a cheesesteak and fries, Saturday he says let's just "grab a bite" at the Chili's and then Sunday he wants Friendly's. I think he's challenging me, but he doesn't realize how hard it is to be around all the foods I love when I know eating them will sabatoge all that I've worked for. I'd rather stay home. But, he doesn't get that.

Of course, he denied everything and blamed the "events of the day" for the poor food suggestions he made. He says "We were busy, there's no food in the house and I'm starving!". No excuses.

Hopefully, this weekend will be better. I'll let you know.

Week One on NutriSystem

2005-04-30T06:33:00.000-07:00

04/17/05: Signed up and ordered food; I am hopeful and optimistic that this will finally be the food plan for me!

04/25/05: Today will be my first day with the food. I've had my order for about 5 days now but wanted to sort through it and get an idea on how I was supposed to follow the program before I started. Hubby asked that I start on Monday since we were going to be busy all weekend. I told him fine, but that was it. No more excuses. I said, "you're tired of my fat and I'm tired of my fat so sacrifices will need to be made." He agreed. While he's not the image of perfection when it comes to health, he's still better off than me. Support is all I need from him right now. Baby steps........

04/28/05: I'm doing ok. So far, I've liked most of the food except for the Pasta Salad w/Ham (not too crazy about the dressing it comes in). I've been trying to make myself more conscious and aware of how/when/why I eat and all I can say is that it has been a real eye-opener. Anyway, I'm coming up on my first weekend which, in the past, is when hubby and I would eat out for just about every meal. This will be the true test of my resolve to lose the weight! Wish me luck!

04/30/05: Still have 2 more days until weigh-in. I'm really tempted to check the scale early, but feel that I will be disappointed. I feel tons better physically just by cutting back on the not-so-good-for-you foods for the past 5 days. Unfortunately, I now have a cold and can't taste a g-damn thing. It has been very hard, but I seem to be more motivated than past attempts. I usually cave-in after the 2nd day on a diet. My main goal for the 1st month is to "re-program" my brain to eat smaller portions, make wiser food choices and to eat several small, healthy meals at day as opposed to 2 small, crappy meals and 1 big crappy meal with several crappy snacks throughout the day and evening hours. Tough goal - I hope I make it!